Copa
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If you are communicating with someone from a dating app or website and they do or say something that feels “off,” move on to the next match. Red flags here include: she didn’t include a photo on her profile, she is nonresponsive, she tells whackadoodle stories that don’t make sense, and she’s sharing too much too fast about her traumatic past. You should stop talking to her. Shady people use dating sites all the time to catfish or scam or cheat. A podcast I listened to awhile back had a term I can no longer remember for someone who is in a committed relationship and on the dating sites for the ego boost but they have no intention to meet up (i.e., someone who will waste your time as long as you allow it to be wasted). Keep swiping to get new matches.
Yeahhh, how exactly is it that you’re 26 and haven’t spoken in 10 years but also didn’t stop speaking until you met your now-husband a few years ago? This timeline doesn’t make sense.
Assuming this story is even true, I think therapy is your best bet.
ETA: I can recall a couple phases of life where I’d log onto social media and feel jealous of people. It was never because I wanted exactly what they had, but because I wanted my own version of it. Like, I remember being about your age and feeling like such a loser compared to my friends who already had great careers taking off because mine was lackluster. Or feeling left behind when, around 30, my feed felt like nothing but engagement announcements and I was very single. For me, jealousy has always been my cue to look inward and reflect on what I felt was missing, then try my best to improve my own circumstances. BTW, I left FB several years ago and I do not miss it. Social media isn’t real life. I’ve had some bizarre experiences as a result of social media. It’s also known to contribute to worse mental health outcomes. Take a break if you need it.
I don’t have a “one who got away” — not anyone I dated, not anyone I could’ve dated but didn’t. I can think of a couple men that I was friends with that maybe I’d have been interested in dating had circumstances been different (e.g., if we’d both been single at the same time, or both lived in the same city when we were both single, etc.). With my therapist, I’ve realized, with hindsight and introspection and obviously therapy, that from 28-30 I probably passed on some nice men who may have been good partners because I was unknowingly self-sabotaging in dating. I occasionally wonder what my life would’ve looked like if certain things had played out differently, though this is not specific to romantic choices. However, I don’t dwell on any of these things. They don’t often cross my mind and I have no big regrets or strong feelings around any of them.
I’m curious how often you think about this, LW. Maybe this is more a sign of something that is lacking in your own life or marriage than it is about this guy. If it’s disrupting your life or you want to explore it more, you could consider meeting with a therapist.
I think you should cut your losses. What others have said about his behavior is spot on. Not to mention, it sounds like he’s actively ghosting you after you asked him to reciprocate the effort of seeing one another! I got ghosted a bit when I was dong the online dating thing, I know it can hurt and that’s okay — it’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on this guy being a dud. But now you can move on. He turned out to have some nice qualities, sure, but you’ve also listed some pretty major flaws and red flags that make him not the guy for you. Instead of internalizing how he made you feel as problems with you, focus on your nonnegotiable and why he isn’t a match for YOU.
Texting a lot leading up to a date can create a false sense of familiarity and intimacy. I agree that you ought to limit the messaging and texting before you meet someone, and meet them as soon as schedules allow. If you can’t meet them within a week or so, you don’t have to become pen pals in the interim. You can ask about prior relationships on early dates and suss out any red flags in the response (e.g., that he’s fresh out of something serious, calls an ex crazy, etc.). IMO you shouldn’t be getting into these topics via dating app or text message, but given what sounds like extensive back-and-forth over a month, I can see why you’d feel like it should’ve come up sooner.
Please set up an appointment with a mental health professional to talk about how you feel and your suicidal ideations, LW! Talk therapy can be safe space for you to unpack your emotions around your divorce, move, and friendships and a resource for learning how to flip the script with those negative thoughts. It will also provide a forum to discuss the possibility of something like medication for your depression.
I’ve never been divorced, but creeping up on a decade ago, I moved to a new city on the heels of a breakup that absolutely gutted me. I loved that life had given me an opportunity for the freshest of fresh starts in a city I was very excited about living in. But, as it sounds like you are learning, blowing up your life and starting over again with a blank slate can be a lonely experience. You don’t mention how old you are, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed the shift in people’s responsibilities and priorities that affect friendships.
If it’s helpful, here are my general tips for trying to find your people as an adult, particularly when you’re new to town:
– Build a routine that you like
– Reach out to old acquaintances and friends of friends
– Whatever your interests are, find groups for them… this is where you’re most likely to find your people. For me, that looked like small group fitness classes, book clubs, alumni association events, volunteering at animal shelters, and finding “new in town” meetup groups. I also went to a DW meetup when I was brand new to town!
– Try to plan one thing every weekend to look forward to, even if that one thing is alone.
– If friendships aren’t serving you, don’t be afraid to scale back or move on.
– If you vibe with someone, you can ask them on a “friend date” and it’s not weird. You might even find someone like me who was once a transplant and knows what it’s like so goes out of her way to try to include anyone she learns is new in town.When I got a dog a few years into living in my city, I actually started meeting a lot of people. There was park near me where I’d go after work with my then-puppy, lots of neighborhood dog owners did the same, and I’d see the same faces there regularly. I even met and had a fling with a handsome neighbor after meeting because we both had dogs! (He turned out to be a dud, but that is beside the point.)
Good luck. I do think things will get better for you, LW.
I couldn’t quite follow this, but it hurt because this is someone you care about and had feelings for(?). Maybe you never dated, but friend break-ups can have an impact, too. It’s okay to feel sad about a loss. You can grieve it and move on. Date people who are straight. If friendships start feeling unhealthy or toxic, or simply not rewarding for you in some way, it’s okay to let them go.
Hi. You wrote in before, right? Is this the same man in your neighborhood that you saw infrequently, slept with twice, and who would disappear after? If so… I mean… is the outcome really that surprising? Don’t get me wrong, I have been ghosted before (multiple times! Including by a neighbor I had a fling with and I, too, saw him around after!) and it does hurt. But it seems like you knew he would let you down and continued to allow him access to you. Why?
I’ve not been in your shoes exactly before, but there was one time that I got cheated on that was pretty bad… he was the second boyfriend in a row to cheat on me, and he immediately moved on with the other woman. They married pretty swiftly. My self-esteem tanked. I felt unworthy. I felt ugly. I was depressed for… awhile. By myself, and also eventually with the help of a therapist, I learned to tell myself a new narrative. When I’d catch myself thinking, “I’m not good enough,” I’d pause and then tell myself a different story. I’d remind myself that I was enough, that my ex’s treatment of me said far more about him than it ever would about me, that I want and deserve someone who can communicate even through uncomfortable conversations. I really think you need to work on your self esteem and highly recommend doing so with a therapist. I don’t see your dating life improving unless and until you let go of these very negative beliefs you have about yourself. And hey, maybe you won’t look like an Instagram model, but you can do things to make yourself feel good and confident. Wear clothes that you like that flatter you. Style your hair, wear some mascara. If you want an engaging life, literally start anywhere… sign up for a class, search for MeetUp groups with people who have shared interests, volunteer.
Also, you have no clue if this guy is unaffected or even happy. For starters, happy good people don’t treat others how he treated you. The cheating ex I mentioned? Yeah, I could tell for literal years that he AND his now-wife were creeping my social media in a way that wasn’t normal. Even after I’d blocked him, some weird stuff continued online. Like five years after we broke up, Instagram came out with stories and his wife watched every last story I posted for months. (LOL.) What all of this means about their relationship or them as individuals, IDK, I have no way of knowing their inner world… but it did feel like proof that they were both also affected for a long time. Stop worrying about whether this guy is happy or not. Odds are he’s kinda fucked up like the rest of us.
I’m curious what your dream job is, exactly, because most careers do not hinge on the experience you get when you are 15. I’m not saying it’s bad to get experience by any means — it’s a great way to find out if you are actually like doing what you think you are interested in and looks good on applications for higher ed/future jobs — but it won’t make the difference between your having your dream career and being “a nothing.” I do think it’s great that you are future-oriented and thinking about a life beyond the confines of your home schooling environment.
Were I you, I’d be more focused on the education you’ll need post-grad to get where you want to go and trying to earn/save money for when you are able to make your own decisions. If you want to be a veterinarian, that path will include a four-year degree where you will take science-heavy courses, followed by vet school (notoriously difficult, btw). If you want to be a vet tech, that’s an AA degree. Maybe you have a totally different career in mind, but you’ll still want to figure out the education people need to get where you want to go. How are your grades and standardized test scores? Are you interested in the sciences and do you excel at them? Have you started looking up whether your homeschooling curriculum meets the criteria for universities and community colleges in your state? Now would be the time to figure out how to close those gaps.
BTW, some animal shelters have remote volunteer positions. It wouldn’t be working directly with animals, but could be stuff like processing adoption applications, digital communications, etc.
Good luck.
I don’t think your parents are out of line and I agree with what others have said and suggested. I’m also curious, given the distance, which one of you is paying for the option of changing your location on Bumble to an area you don’t live in and why.
I only had one unhinged boss. He was always angry and carried a baseball bat. I wrote about an incident with him on here years ago, actually. My situation was different — I’d been accused of bullying a junior employee because I told her to let me know if she needed help or more time to complete work after she missed a deadline — and my boss got HR involved. I assume they were documenting me/my behavior as a CYA move should they have decided to terminate me. My solution was to keep my head down, though, while I looked for another job. Like you, I needed the paycheck. Things were quiet after that meeting with HR but I was documenting certain things of my own by forwarding them to my personal email. After about six months, I left for my current company. I think you should keep your head down while you look for something new. You can tell HR on the way out if you want to. I suspect HR knew my unit was in bad shape already when I had to meet with them… they did not care, but I heard that about six months after I left, enough people complained about how uncomfortable my old boss made everyone because he wouldn’t stop talking about how young his new girlfriend after his second divorce was that he was reprimanded. He also announced to his direct reports that he’d started therapy. So.
To deal with the chaos while I searched for a new job, I set some pretty firm boundaries to keep my work and personal life separate. It was the kind of job where emails were sent pretty much around the clock and everything was made to feel urgent when it really wasn’t. I’d be courteous, friendly, and a hard worker on the job, but I started toggling off my work emails on my phone during off hours and vacation. I gave myself a hard stop in the evenings. I had a routine outside of work that I enjoyed, including regular exercise. When I started applying for new jobs, getting interviews — even if they didn’t lead to an offer — made me feel like my situation was only temporary, which helped my mindset.
At my current company, we have a foundation with a handful of employees. Everyone is employed by us but they run independently from us. Their last executive director was problematic and seldom showed up to work. When the foundation’s most junior employee left to go to grad school several years ago, she let HR know on her way out what was going on. This was the beginning of the investigation that led to the executive director getting fired. So, some companies will actually look into what departing employees have to say when they’re outing a supervisor for bad behavior.
There are men in that age group who would absolutely be into having a blended family with you/being an enthusiastic and present stepdad! I hope you aren’t staying in this relationship because you believe on some level that your “baggage” is too much and this is the best that you can hope for. Your daughter deserves to be more than tolerated by your choice in partners.
If you’d like uplifting anecdotal evidence, one of my cousins married for the first time a couple years ago, they had both just turned 40. His wife was previously married and had a kid from her first marriage. Similar to what your situation sounds like, the wife’s ex-husband lives a short walk away (he moved to their neighborhood to make their son’s life/coparenting easier). There has never been any jealousy or weird feelings toward the ex-husband. My cousin is a great stepdad and was even before he officially got that title. He proposed to his now-wife twice… once privately, once including his stepson where both got down on one knee to propose making their little family official. They’ve had two more kids together and the stepson is a very proud big brother. They do cute stuff on weekends as a family, travel as a family, eat family dinners. He’s involved. He loves all his kids, bio or not.
At the moment, leaning toward no. The pay would be a big jump for me, the work seems interesting, but the environment seems like one I’d not thrive in — she told me that the volume of work is “crazy” and that she’s available to her direct reports 24/7. The skills test was done under timed conditions and the work was not what I’d call difficult but the time crunch to get through it was real. I didn’t quite finish. If that’s the actual pace of the job, I’d not be successful. I got the sense that she hadn’t prepared anything for our interview (likely because she is busy).
My sister is taking a mental health break from work beginning in a couple weeks and she has made me extra wary of trying to vet what kind of environment I’d be in. I’d rather keep my sanity and make less money.
