CurlyQue
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Becboo84, i’d like to ask, which way are you swinging re divulging the information to MB? I think one of the main things most people have agreed on, is not do it anonymously; but beyond that i’m not sure there’s really a right or wrong choice.
becboo84, Oh that was a totally reasonable conversation to have, and very nice of you to send your daughter with some snack $.
I read your comment differently. And of course it was a side comment you made so you didn’t include the details.
Anon, i think you’re taking these more personally than they were intended. I know i took some of Copa’s comments to be about mine, but… it doesn’t matter. She had a different opinion than the ones you and i were sharing.
Re the original question, there’s only a couple options on how to deliver the information: 1. Just tell her and accept that you may not come across well and it might effect your relationship, but that you accept that because you think the information is important for her to know. 2. You don’t say anything, unless a situation arises that it seems appropriate (you see him acting hostile, she has bruises…etc.)
On a side note, i think you feel like you have a right to this coach’s time that you don’t have. When she said she was going to be at the fair too, you suggested she take your child around the exhibits… that seems like an overreach to suggest she should spend her off time with your child. It was very nice of her to accept of course, you may just want to stop viewing her in how she can help your kids and more as an adult woman who has a day job and off time.
Becboo84, i think that’s the main takeaway. Don’t run a search in the future unless you’ve already talked to the person about possibly watching your children.
No one’s saying doing a low level search is bad, just doing it without the person even saying they WOULD watch your children is a step too early and too far.
For this current situation, you could do as Copa suggested – pretending to ask and then tell her the information you “just” found. It’s shady but you don’t come across as oober intrusive that way. But, what if she says no? Then you’re stuck in your current situation that you have information and no way of telling her you have it w/out coming across negatively.
In the future, don’t do a check up w/out somebody’s know how.
That way you can divulge any information you find as it’ll be expected. It also would’ve given her the opportunity to say you’ll find some weird stuff under the bf, but that’s someone with a same name…or you’ll find some weird stuff under the bf but that’s when he was an addict and has been clean the last 4 years…blah blah.
Point being it would’ve been an easier conversation to have if you’d been upfront with her to begin with. Besides maybe she’s not free those days anyways and you just wasted your time researching her and her bf.
If you had asked if she’d be willing pending a quick search on the county website, and she had agreed, THEN you could’ve come back to her with the information. But because you decided to look up information about her (and her partner!) without their knowledge you can’t really give this information to her without coming across negatively.
I guess best case would be, “Hey MB we were thinking of asking you to watch our children, but before we offered we did a quick county search to see driving records *Hahaha we’re weird* and came across some information re your boyfriend. Just an fyi that it worried us and wanted to make sure you had the information too.”
But even with the above, you’ll have to tell her you’re NOT offering her to watch your children because of the above situation and now she’ll feel some sort of judgment towards her relationship and what she’ll do with that information or if she’ll need to explain that she’s staying with him ’cause x, y and z which isn’t your business.
Tiffani,
I see you haven’t responded to people asking if you’ve seen a grief counselor yet. I REALLY REALLY hope you do. As for your living son being the father, it’s not a win for anybody. It’s putting more pressure and emotional turmoil on him when what he needs is stability.
I also don’t see why you’re so sure you’ll see the child. The mother isn’t (rightfully) speaking to you, you’ve made no effort to see the child before this… Your son can’t offer child support and doesn’t want to go to court, which means he probably won’t push for any visitation and if the mother is smart and cares for her child (which i think she is/does) she’ll ask for very limited supervised visitation. Which means you won’t be invited. Shame you’ve ruined having a relationship with your granddaughter, but it’s not what you wanted anyways. You wanted another tool (this child) to leverage against your son to force him to be on the straight and narrow, this tool won’t work just like all the others you’ve tried using.
saneinca that’s an uncomfortable parallel. Wise = Privileged (education is a privilege) and Foolish = Poverty and abused background?
A lot of the people commenting need to check their privilege. Reproductive options/knowledge aren’t always available, depending on where the LW is located Planned Parenthood may be hours away. It sounds like she is trying to make the best choices possible going forward with the life she was dealt.
If your mother can be trusted to leave her ex, then the LW should look for section 8 housing and a more secure job while her mother babysits. Something with benefits and a possible trajectory would serve her better than her current stripping. Try for all the benefits you can to help your children and yourself. As for the $, pay your mother the amount she asked for $1,500 and keep the rest. I also agree, don’t start a side job until you have something stable with benefits first.
This poor young mother. I really wish she hadn’t agreed to a paternity test… The amount of drama she’s inviting into her life by trying to let you have a relationship with your granddaughter is insane.
How is letting you know the existence of your granddaughter wanting you to “roll out the red carpet?” You complain she took too long for her to bring you into their lives but then you do nothing but complain about the fact that she and her daughter exist!
I also really feel for your living son. The amount of pressure and drama he must be getting from you, the emotions of having a niece all while he tries to retain his sobriety must be very difficult. You of course don’t seem to care about that. Only yourself. No matter what it does to others.
Please find a grief counselor and a support group for mothers of troubled sons. FOCUS ON YOUR HEALING and not on disrupting people’s lives.
Just to point out LW, if you think your living son might change his life around for the child if she was his daughter…what’s to stop him from doing that when he has a niece? The child of his deceased brother, knowing that if he continues using, like his brother he won’t have a relationship with her?
He doesn’t need a concrete paternity test telling him he’s not the father. Maybe that would devastate him more when he’s at a vulnerable time, whose to say.
Go to grief counseling, support your living son as he goes through this emotional time. Don’t put your need for this to be his child on his shoulders. He’s not equipped to handle that kind of pressure from you.
A grief counselor is a GREAT idea Anon!! For whatever reason the LW doesn’t want the child to be her deceased sons, and i think her grief is clouding how she views this situation. Grief is terrible and ongoing, having a counselor to work through it with would be wonderful LW.
Agreed, LW for all you say that your son wants to know he’s the father vs uncle he’s not willing to petition the court for a paternity test. The End. YOU can’t do anything, but love on your grandchild. If your son REALLY wanted to settle this he would petition for paternity and pay child support if necessary, again HE DOES NOT WANT TO DO THAT.
This has nothing to do with the mother. She believes your deceased son is the father. This is why she requested the avuncular test, and for her this situation has been solved. More than likely she wants her daughter to get the social security benefits from the deceased father, and if he was military their might be other benefits she can claim.
Again, stop harping on this. The ball is in your son’s court. Love your grandchild and be thankful you have a piece of your son. It may be when the child is 18 they’ll make the decision to have your uncle tested. But in the meantime, there’s nothing you can do.
