dinoceros
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Telling someone who you consider a bad person who doesn’t like you to file your taxes and then giving them your personal information is a very bad decision.
I would recommend holding off on starting a business. Most small businesses fail and take a lot of money to get them running in a way that will eventually grow and make money. Starting a business is something to do if you’ve already established yourself and are in a position to take a risk. You’re not in that position.
I’d recommend contacting some social services in your area that are geared toward low-income single moms. Perhaps they can help you get connected to resources that can lower your costs so you can save money, as well as get yourself set up to get a better job.
It’s not wrong to leave someone who has defrauded you, but like Kate says, you need to prepare for the fact that your mom may not follow through. You need to have a plan for in case your mom stays with her. For example, if your mom helps babysit, then don’t leave items at her house that the girlfriend can find (like your records). Honestly, the fact that your relatives spread your medical info around makes it sound like they are all pretty shady, so the goal of being able to live on your own would be helpful.
Who cares if she wrote the “wrong” question? She wrote the question that she asked. I don’t understand your obsession with this relationship, Oracle.
What weird messaging — that a person shouldn’t end a bad relationship if they aren’t likely to get another one. Totally opposite of what we normally say here.
I don’t think that “the inside is what matters” really helps the LW’s case either. I don’t know if he’s being condescended to because of his weight or just for no reason, but the idea that he’s not allow to want someone who wants to have sex with him is very dehumanizing. Being overweight doesn’t mean that you have just to settle and be grateful for whatever crumbs someone throws at you. It also doesn’t mean that if you say “I want a divorce” the other person gets to overrule you. There’s also this implication by some commenters that being in a relationship is always better than being alone.
The idea that being alone is better than being with someone who you’re not happy with is not just reserved for thin people. I feel like the LW has been looking at this relationship as her doing him a favor by being with him and therefore thinks that she can choose not to divorce him because she’s in control. But it doesn’t work like that. He can not want to be with you, too.
@JD, yeah, really. I don’t really understand people who are that offended by another person’s weight that they get this enraged about the mention of it.
Look, he didn’t write in an ask for anybody’s medical opinion. Considering he’s not a child, I don’t think the LW gets to unilaterally “have him” go get various medical tests. He’s a person who gets to decide if he wants to stay married to someone who isn’t attracted to him. The opinion seems to be that if random internet strangers think that he must not be sexy either, then he needs to just suck it up and deal with having a wife who isn’t into him. But that’s not how marriage works.
It probably was not a great idea to marry someone whose body you didn’t like and who you didn’t want to initiate sex with. Most people gain weight over time, so you sort of have to assume that when you marry someone at a certain weight, they will likely weigh more than that eventually. Still, people do it. You can’t go back and change that.
I think the main issue is that you seem to think it’s unacceptable that he wants a divorce. But he has a right to be with someone who loves him for who he is and is attracted to him. Lots of people like having sex and having physical chemistry with their spouse, and most of them are not going to sit around in a marriage where they don’t have that. It’s unreasonable for you to expect him to want to stay married to you if you see him the way you see him.
“But its not a deal breaker for me, nor a reason to end the marriage.”
Cool, but you’re not the only one in the marriage. It’s apparently a deal break for him and a reason for him to end the marriage. He doesn’t need your approval for that. If you regularly treat him with this sort of attitude like that your opinion matters more than his, then I think there’s probably more going on than just your feelings about his body.
I work with college students and students who are in school only because their parents want them to be do not graduate. I have students who TRY to do it, but if they don’t truly want it, then they don’t go to class, they don’t do homework, etc. They just spend all their or their parents money on classes they do nothing for. Adding a learning disability or mental health issue, and the chances of him actually getting a degree in this state are very, very slim.
So, while you are disappointed and concerned, I think you need to detach yourself from the expectation that he’s going to get a degree. Maybe he’ll go back some day. But at this time, it’s not going to happen.
Most students I’ve worked with in this situation are incredibly ashamed and scared about their future. Especially if their family expected them to be exceptional. Chances are, he doesn’t WANT to be a waiter, but if he’s hearing from you that you basically have no respect for him anymore and all that, then he’s going to get defensive and upset.
At this point, the goal should be supporting him as he makes decisions that are best for him based on his current situation and based on WHO HE IS, not who you thought he was or who you want him to be. That’s probably going to involve trying to salvage the relationship and not conveying to him all the time how negatively you see him now. Having your parent think so many terrible things about you is hard and when you have no one who supports you, it’s very hard to try to support yourself.
Yeah, that’s proof. I don’t know if you’re referring to proof that he slept with someone else or not, but isn’t your husband wanting to meet up with/date/sleep with someone else and attempting to find someone to do it with bad on its own?
The bigger issue is that he is denying it. On top of him trying to cheat or actually cheating, he’s also a liar and doesn’t respect you enough to be honest.
Yeah, I’d say to get the important stuff out, like the irreplaceable stuff, out ahead of time. It’s entirely possible that she could say, “Fine, then move out now” or something. Her implication that you are not functioning at a 20-year-old level is ridiculous. The amount of careful consideration that you’ve shown just in explaining the situation and your plans definitely shows that you are capable of making adult decisions.
I was wondering about some of the questions Oracle and Sunflower asked.
As stated, this could go both ways. It could be someone irrationally controlling. Or if your grades were being affected or this guy seemed iffy, I could see her trying to do the right thing.
If you have lots of money with which to support yourself, then you can do whatever you want. If not, then you need to consider whether the financial implications (loans, more work hours in addition to school, etc.) and the resulting consequences (as in, you financial situation in college can affect decades of your life after you graduate) are worth seeing your boyfriend. I’d probably take advantage of having support in college, but that’s me.
Not everyone who drinks has to have someone who drinks. I’ve had times where I didn’t drink and dated guys who did, and I’ve dated guys who didn’t drink while I was drinking socially. I think it’s just one piece of a huge amount of incompatibility.
Someone who is your average guy-next-door who drinks is most likely not going to be wildly opposed to someone who doesn’t drink. But a guy who hangs out with people who have lots of casual sex and does drugs and is super macho IS going to find that to be a problem. With that kind of guy, it’s going to be one of many incompatibilities. With someone more like you, it’s going to be a minor point that may bother him or may not. It’s probably going to be the difference between someone whose drinking involves getting trashed at a club and having a glass of wine with dinner. Someone who has a glass with dinner won’t really care if you aren’t having one, unless you are trying to tell him you can’t.
Anyway, yeah, you’re going for the wrong guys. Just because someone pursues you doesn’t mean they are right for you. A lot of those guys just want sex, so they don’t really care who’s on the other end of their advances as long as they can have sex with it.
I’m a little confused. You weren’t interested in pursuing anything with him, right?
A lot of men use compliments as a dating strategy, rather than simply because they mean it. From what you said, it sounds like you went on one date with him. Any compliment someone gives you after or during one date is pretty superficial. Sure, they can find you nice or smart or whatever, but they don’t know you. I don’t really take any compliment to heart from any guy unless I’ve known him for a while.
Even if someone truly means it (and is not just trying to win you over), a person can think you’re nice or smart or whatever and still not be interested in you. As Kate is saying, someone who just wants a booty call and usually dates people who have wilder lifestyles probably isn’t going to value being wholesome, etc., as much as someone else might. Otherwise, he’d have dated women he considered wholesome, etc.
