Kate
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Im very sorry to hear about the problems you’re experiencing, but unfortunately we are just regular people on an advice forum, not trained professionals who can give you the help you need. The title of your post is “what the hell happened to me,” and I think you answered it: You are self-destructive with serious mental health issues and you found a deeply messed up guy who is attracted to that. He came right out and told you that. You need to forget about this guy and focus on figuring out how you got to this place of having no self-worth and inviting people to hurt you, and how you can begin to understand that you are a person of value and how to protect yourself. I don’t know what it’s like in that hospital but it does sound like it’s best for you to be institutionalized right now for your own protection. Please focus on getting better.
No, totally, we get it, you’re not scary, you’re just a guy who loves too much, pursues too hard, behaves badly out of frustration, and says bad, wrong, scary things about women to amuse himself.
I know, but it’s good that you’re making these efforts to get help, by calling the hotline or trying to see a doctor. It’s not good at all that you can’t get help.
What have you done during your life when you need to see a doctor? How does your family get treatment? Is there a medical doctor you can make an appointment with? It sounds like you need more than just talk therapy, that you may benefit from meds, like anti-anxiety, anti-depressants, sleep meds. That’s the kind of thing that in the US (I know you’re not in this country), you could see your family doctor or general practitioner about, and they could refer you to a psychiatrist.
Well, I think that’s great that you’ve taken these steps to get help. Have you told your family and your partner’s family that you two are having suicidal thoughts and you need to end the relationship?
Agree, call a hotline and ask for help. This is very serious and concerning and someone’s life is on the line. You need to get help from professionals. You can’t go on like this.
I just read the last part too and picked up on the door lock thing. That sounds like beyond emotional abuse and into sexual abuse / reproductive coercion / rape. At a very minimum not allowing you to have physical boundaries or agency. That’s very very serious and it’s abuse. Please find a way to talk to people without your husband being aware. You do have a whole life ahead of you, and your kids shouldn’t be in this situation seeing this as the model of adult love.
Golfer.gal is spot on and I’m glad she commented. I wanted to say that I too think you’re in a dangerous place. This man is emotionally abusive, controlling, a substance abuser, he gaslights you, and he’s been exploiting you for almost 2 decades since you were a very young and vulnerable woman. There’s a huge power imbalance here, you’re not benefiting from the legal protections of marriage, and have you had the opportunity to work and make money? You need to get out of this, and you need help from a women’s center and an attorney. You’ve got to go talk to professionals and make a plan with their support.
It seems like you are going to have to figure out how to let go of some negative beliefs about yourself before you’re going to be able to break free of this pattern.
You are absolutely fixated on this narrative about yourself as being old, ugly, everyone’s crash test dummy, not worthy of love, continually abandoned and discarded, etc. And then you invite men into your life who aren’t that into you to begin with, so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Like we said in your other post, this guy was just a neighbor who you slept with twice and he acted weird after both times. This wasn’t a loving romantic relationship.
Please find out what access you have to therapy and start to do some work with a professional to repair your self-worth. I wish you well.
Also, weekly sex after 18 years of marriage is not bad at all, like not at all to the point that you’d be immersing yourself in men’s forums about not getting enough sex and researching to this extent. Something is off here.
I don’t think you’re in a happy marriage if these are your views on women. Not a mutually happy one anyway.
How old are your kids btw?
Also wondering if you have any older siblings who have any independence, maybe a car, who would be sympathetic to you and help you? Maybe in exchange for some service you could provide them?
I do see how an hour each way could be a no-go for your parents, that’s too long a commute even for adults choosing a job and a place to live. But a combo of something closer and maybe someone with a car? Could be more realistic.
You have to think about the long game too. If this summer you could get ANYONE to let you do some volunteer work, then suddenly you’ve got experience that you can use in your letters and applications for next year. And you’ve got contacts who could make introductions for you. I would also see if you can take any classes online or local community center that would help you as well. You know, like animal care. I’m thinking like how a kid that wants to babysit would take childcare and first aid/CPR classes.
