Kate
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Truly, I don’t think it’s ever all right to send someone paragraphs of text… unless maybe you’re giving them detailed instructions that they asked for, like how to unclog a toilet. It’s just not. Even if you ask them and they say it’s okay, it isn’t. You should be processing those feelings in person in a breakup talk, or in your journal or with your therapist. If you have so much to say and your only outlet is text, the situation is all kinds of wrong.
If you take anything away from this, please let it be to pay attention to a guy’s behavior over what he says.
The thing is if you don’t hear from a guy all week, he’s not into you. 100%, no question, the guy is not into you. So there’s no point asking for more. You need to be able to read the signs. Don’t keep asking for more from a guy whose behavior says loud and clear he does not care.
You need to find a guy who speaks to you all week long. He’s out there.
A good morning text isn’t a lot to ask for, but it’s the fact that you had to ask for it, more than once.
One other thought: Meeting women in real life is a lot different than online. There’s more of a chance irl to form a connection with someone and she sees beyond your age. Most young women online are not open to dating older men, and don’t want to be contacted by them. They’ll dismiss you right away based on your age. I’m not trying to be mean – I’m 45 and my husband is 50, but there’s a reality that it gets harder and harder to meet and date young people. 10 years younger? Sure, maybe. 15? That is really tough.
So it’s going to be harder for you online. That’s why I say you need to be clear about what you want – a family – so you have the best chance of meeting someone who also wants a family. In real life, when you can go places like church, sports leagues, adult education classes, and anything else that gets you mingling with women, that will help your chances. Or what about all your friends with younger wives, can those wives set you up on dates with their friends?
And even if this weren’t a love-bombing guy, the thing is you told him very clearly exactly what you wanted, he said it wasn’t too much to ask, and then he *didn’t do it.* Thats when you should say, ok, this guy will not give me what I want and need, and for that reason I am out. Don’t stick around and keep begging him. It’s a no-go.
Yes, you were too clingy, but that’s not why this didn’t work out. It was never going to. You recognize that he was love-bombing you. That’s a negative thing, not a positive. It’s a red flag and it should have brought your guard way up. Guys like that are unstable at best, sociopaths at worst. Someone who says I love you right away is telling you loud and clear they are not in a place to have a healthy relationship. You can pretty much bet it will flame out super quick like it did here. The problem was you believed his words, even as his behavior showed you he wasn’t invested. And you responded by trying to make him behave in a way that would match his words. The more he pulled away the clingier you got. And he wasn’t emotionally mature enough to tell you it was over.
It was over from the beginning. Next time if someone is moving that fast and intense, recognize that it’s a problem. And if a guy slacks off on his communication and attention in the first few weeks or months, you need to realize he’s done, it’s over, he just doesn’t want to tell you. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He just wants you to pull the trigger or go away quietly. When he pulls back, don’t chase.
“ I’ve known, over the years a number of men who fathered children when they were of a similar age to me and considerably older too (and they also had very happy marriages with younger wives thus giving the lie to what some respondents have suggested on here, namely that I couldn’t hope to find a genuine love match with a younger woman) and turned out to be excellent fathers. I think that I have what it takes to do this too.”
So, why don’t you do that then? As a woman who dated online in her mid-late 30s, I can tell you I had no interest in guys beyond their mid-40s, and I know I’m not alone in that because the topic has come up on here before and it’s pretty unanimous. BUT I also wasn’t trying to have kids, and I was self-sufficient financially. There are probably women reaching the end of their most productive fertile years who are more open to older men who want to be fathers, so be clear about what you’re looking for in your profile and maybe you’ll connect with someone like that.
I get that. Your lashes are much longer though, right?
Right, if this is all about being a father, you can be a great father to an existing kid. But maybe for you it’s about a legacy. Be honest with yourself.
Interesting! I don’t use it anywhere but my lash line, but that makes sense that it would make peach fuzz grow. There are those tiny facial shaver things the tik tok kids are into, that could be an option.
I’m being serious, btw. No one in her 30s wants to date a guy over 45 unless he’s rich or is their only hope for citizenship or a baby.
