Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

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Viewing 12 posts - 25 through 36 (of 54 total)
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  • in reply to: Boyfriend works full time, doesn’t do ANY housework at all #810205
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Idk what country you’re in or what country you’re from, but I would tread very lightly here. It sounds a little human trafficky– did he bring you to his country to make you his household servant knowing that you wouldn’t be able to work outside the home due to visa issues? Is it like some Muslim countries where women can’t do much of anything without a man and therefore you would have trouble escaping? Is it a country where foreign women are denigrated and would not be believed?

    But yeah, if you can’t talk to him about this because he’s dismissive of you and assumes his working means he can treat you like a servant, then you have no business moving to another country to be his kept woman.

    in reply to: Is my boyfriend being too judgmental? #804955
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    One of the perks of being in a long term relationship is having someone who you can trust to get you home safely, not rape you, and leave you some advil and a glass of water for morning if you do have a little too much to drink. I’m a lightweight (made more so by taking 9 months off drinking) so if I couldn’t get tipsy around my husband I’d basically never get to drink.

    Dude sounds mean. Why would you want to be with a guy who isn’t nice to you.

    in reply to: My daughter is stealing from my girlfriend #789549
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Anonymouse- I’m assuming the mom is moving and its zoned for another school. She’s selling her house but presumably not about to be homeless so daughter could still live with her and go to her same school if she uses dad’s address for her residency requirement. As long as he has partial custody this doesnt even seem shady to me. A child of divorced parents in 2 different school districts would have to pick one of them regardless.

    in reply to: My daughter is stealing from my girlfriend #789534
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Slightly off topic but why does she have to move back in with you? Presuming that you share custody with her mother, it would seem you could use your house for residency purposes without her having to sleep there every night. If everyone would be happier if she lived with her mother, maybe you should all work together to make that happen rather than just moving her back and forth as i convenient.

    As for the stealing yeah I’d get a lock for the bedroom and also talk to her again where you don’t ask you tell her that you know she took them and you do not want to hear her justification or excuse but she needs to know it is unacceptable and will result in consequences. Grounding. Confiscation of cell phone. Household chores. You will go through her laundry, removal of closet doors, other loss of privacy measures. What disciplinary measures do you and her mother usually use? Use them!

    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Its interesting the differences in advice between this post and the one where the girl’s bf dumped her because she put on weight.

    Over there, folks are telling her to love herself, that people gain weight over time, that attraction is about more than appearance.
    Over here, far too many people saying that the husband doesn’t take care of himself and if he doesn’t lose weight for her then he’s not taking care of himself. What’s up with that?

    OP you can’t make yourself be attracted to your husband but I want to echo what I said on the other thread– people get less attractive as they age. Its harder to keep weight off. If you are in it for the long haul you need to look beyond that. If you can’t, then set him free to find someone who will love who he is not what they wish he was.

    Also, as a final PSA… we cannot judge the health of someone by knowing their weight. Plenty of skinny people have unhealthy habits; and plenty of fat people are active and healthy.

    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    I understand that you sacrificed for your son. But at the same time, you need to understand that you cannot control him and force him to be what you want him to be because you didn’t get your hair done for 19 years. His life is still his to live. You seem to take your son’s success as the only possible indicator of your worth as a mother. But that’s not true. Many kids will never be neurosurgeons no matter how wonderful a childhood they had. And many kids who had terrible childhoods achieve great things.

    Don’t let your frustration and disappointment irreparably damage your relationship with him. Follow that age-old mom advice “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” and give yourself cooling off time until you can let your expectations go. Your son may never be a neurosurgeon, and maybe “all” he’ll ever be is a waiter. If he is happy and gainfully employed and able to support himself (maybe not glamorously in a giant house with pool and car collection, but pays the bills and keeps a roof over his head) then that’s still pretty good.

    And as for your friend’s apparently more successful kids… this is assuming facts not in evidence. Plenty of people got straight A’s, graduated with honors, and still couldn’t find good jobs. Plenty of people took on tens of thousands of dollars in student debt, and struggle to make ends meet on their waiter (yes, waiter) salaries. A college degree with a high GPA is no longer a good indicator of who will be successful.

    And ok, fine. Probably some of your friends’ kids will be more successful than your son. So be it. Its not a competition.

    in reply to: Men and Their Compliments #756853
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    I didn’t know there were women in the Incel movement!

    in reply to: Feeling pressured to babysit sisters kid overnight #755876
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    I think the thing that changed for me is understanding the importance of a village. Young, single, healthy people with no responsibilities get by without needing a village, but I really started to see it when my SIL and BIL had twins at 28 weeks and had people helping them as they spent hours upon hours at the NICU and then brought home tiny and still slightly sickly babies after that. People would sign up for time slots just to come hold the babies so my SIL could take a shower or have a nap.
    But its not only people with kids who need a village. People whose houses flooded during Hurricane Harvey needed their village to show up at their soggy houses to strip drywall and help them go through their destroyed belongings.
    People who have had health issues or need major surgery needed their village to bring them food and help them around the house.
    Any one of us could need that village at any point. OP maybe hasn’t needed her village yet. But she could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and don’t you think her sister would bring her food or her mom would help her out of bed in the middle of the night to get to the bathroom if she couldn’t do it on her own? I bet she would. You earn a village, in part, by being the village for others. Be the village.

    in reply to: Feeling pressured to babysit sisters kid overnight #755846
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    You’re right, when will OP ever rest. Saturday night perhaps?

    in reply to: Feeling pressured to babysit sisters kid overnight #755835
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Definitely on team “suck it up.”
    If she was asking you all the time then it’d be one thing. But she’s at least 2 strings deep, so she’s definitely in a bind. I think most of us would have been a lot more sympathetic if you just said “my sister needs me to babysit but I had plans that night” (although probably still would have told you to suck it up) but it definitely ventured into “the lady doth protest too much” when you enumerated all those reasons.

    Also, I think you are surprisingly judgmental of your sister using babysitters and it didnt take any word twisting to do. I like my kid also, but she spends all day at daycare because I work fulltime and yes, sometimes, I want to do adult fun things without her also. If that makes me a bad mom in your eyes I guess I’ll need to reevaluate my life choices. Or not.

    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Breaking fucking depressing news of the day: 8 killed at a high school shooting about 30 mins from me. 🙁

    in reply to: Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship #743599
    avatarSpaceySteph
    Participant

    Yeah I’m with Fyodor on this. If he doesn’t want his kids to dye Easter eggs, there is nothing inherently wrong with that, but it does indicate that you’re not a good match for him. Also the fact that you went immediately to being devastated about easter eggs shows that you aren’t suited to this relationship either. Sounds like you need to seek out someone you have more in common with, religiously.

    I’m in an interfaith marriage, I’m Jewish, my husband is Catholic and as part of that we have to negotiate what traditions matter most and how to adapt them in ways that make sense for our family. It’s work, for sure, and it also requires compromises. Not every is willing to compromise on matters of religion and that’s ok, it just means you need to seek out and date people who don’t require that much compromise.

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