He bloody well hung up on me
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It’s not his business where you sit when you work, when he’s not even there. That’s controlling and weird. He needs to back off. Make the damn desk on his own schedule.
It does sound like he’s punishing you for being independent (in totally reasonable ways!) and happy. Not cool.
He’s making your life harder, isn’t he. What if you called that out and said it’s not okay and to stop it?
Yeah, something weird is going on. At the very least, he’s being controlling, mean, and irrational. This cannot continue. Counseling could help. But you might want to think about a trial separation too. This might mean selling the house you just bought or renting it out and each of you living somewhere else, separately. I know that’s not a decision one jumps to, but I think this should be something to very seriously consider if things aren’t pretty significantly better or on a steep positive trajectory in six months. The way your husband is treating you isn’t the way a loving partner treats a spouse. You shouldn’t tolerate it anymore.
We can’t sell or rent, we’d lose significantly if we sold now and it would need work to get it ready for rent. Nothing terrible but it’d be expensive.
I think counselling has to happen. We’re fine 99% of the time but if it’s going to flare up it’s always about money. Which now I’m thinking about it makes sense because his mother is a mad stress head and used to have huge, terrible fights about money with his dad. She was a big spender but used to scream at his dad that it was the kids making them broke. That sort of thing has to set you up to have some anxiety around money.
But him telling you he doesn’t want you working from home isn’t about money. You don’t lose money in that scenario and you may save money (no commuting costs) – at least enough to cancel
The minimal extra expense of electricity and heat or whatever. There’s something else going on besides stress about money.Do you think things are fine 99% of the time because you go with the flow and don’t call him out? Or is he truly cool except for 1% of the time he acts very irrational and controlling?
If he’s reasonable 99% of the time and this is just a freakout, I feel like you should be able to say, look, this behavior is unacceptable. Get a grip.
I had an ex who would have episodes of weirdness, like he tried on the same pair of jeans in a 32 and a 34 for what seemed like an hour in a dressing room, and then later got really wound up and yelled at me for not stating a strong opinion. Or he got mad at me because I said I don’t like cooking a recipe if I don’t have more than one of the ingredients. Stuff like that, and if I tried to talk to him he’d deflect and blame me. Was he angry and yelling a large percent of the time? No. He could be cool and fun. But overall he was honestly deeply weird and disturbed and had issues from childhood. We were not *happy* but we stayed together for years.
If my current husband or myself are having a freakout, the one can either say to the other, “you need to get a grip,” or we know what to do to get each other out of it. But there’s no meanness or controlling.
I know that was kind of a tangent, but trying to assess how things are in general.
It sounds like it’s bad way more than 1% of the time recently and has really escalated from normal. What he is doing NOW is abuse and it’s not alright and you will do yourself harm by pretending along with him that it’s alright and a natural result of his childhood. Even if there is a childhood link, that doesn’t make the way he’s treating you right NOW remotely ok.
Still think he has a big financial secret he’s hiding from you.
Nah I don’t think there’s anything financially shady. I know all his bank passwords, we’re both on the mortgage account, he’s not a gambler at all, nothing there to set my spidey senses tingling. Whatever his major malfunction is it’s not that.
Kate he’s definitely not ‘cool’ like I am. His method for dealing with things is a lot more stressful than mine that’s for sure. But when it doesn’t concern me I let him go and he works through it on his own. It turns into a clash when it involves both of us.
In the us, often companies will reimburse for a desk or a portion of the costs etc, sometimes not. I bet a lot of times, not at this point. I mean, it’s the US. You don’t get an ongoing “rent dpsavings for the company” fee paid back to you, that’s bonkers. Working from home saves us all money, because we aren’t commuting, buying lunches and snacks and coffee, gas, fancy clothes, makeup, whatever.
I would highly suggest couples counseling but it also sounds like he has some issues with anger and obsessing over things. I have no idea how medical and MH stuff works down under or how much it costs, the wait, if he’d even dare ask for help, I know many men are too macho to. Why is he jealous of you, you’re married and a team? I don’t get it get, it’s perplexing, but I hope you know I wish you well. You are a cool woman and deserve to be treated really well. I still can see you amongst the eucalyptus trees on our zoom.
That’s so nice of you to say Anonymousse, thank you. I appreciate everyone’s input, confirms I’m not alone in finding this whole thing weird as hell.
Our mental health system is pretty jacked as well. Couples counselling I don’t think comes under medicare (though you can get 10 free sessions individually per year, it’s just a matter of getting in). It costs at least over a hundred a session otherwise I’m pretty sure.
Mental health for him is complicated as he’s under military medical. I’m sure it’s similar over there where it’s hard to access and as active duty if he does – as much as they say they support it – his job would be in jeopardy if they get a whiff of ‘mental health issues’. We can get our own though, it’s just finding the money.
I guess if the reality is that mental health resources aren’t accessible, then it’s the old question of, okay, if this is how he is, and he’ll always be like this, then is this what I want for the rest of my life? If it’s a definite yes, then okay, but I think you need to firmly tell him when his behavior is out of line and that it’s not okay. You want him to stop it and you won’t engage with that kind of behavior. I also think there are probably books about how to solve specific relationship problems that would give you strategies.
If the answer is, “ehhhh, I don’t know,” then I’d really get on that waitlist for counseling and be honest with him that some stuff is really bothering you and you need to address it.
I think I will start saving for counselling because I really did not enjoy this whole thing and it shook my confidence in our relationship.
That said this morning he was showing me the type of wood he wanted to get for the desk and measuring up the room so he seems to have got past his snit.
