Hello all from Robert
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I agree with Kate. The mechanic crap alone is exhausting! You do expect them to work on your car and hope they get paid …some magical time when you have balanced your budget? How would a shop stay in business if that was their policy and all or even half their customers didn’t pay their bills on time? They should just trust your word? You think they can have a policy like that and stay in business? And yeah, you say YOU are getting treated unfairly. It’s hilarious. And I agree that all that bitching and moaning about the damn mechanic makes it sounds that you, at 45+ have a car that’s constantly in the shop, can’t budget, don’t have any safety net for car repairs, and have no plan for life’s emergencies which happen all the time.
Stories like that are huge red flags for people, not just women. Because you are showing you feel entitled and angry when you don’t get special treatment.
How do you think you’d be able to afford a child? I have kids and while they haven’t broken my budget and drained my savings, they are EXPENSIVE. And the costs keep going up.
You don’t want to do the actual work YOU NEED to do to get the things you think you want. The women you date don’t owe you a reason they don’t want to date you. They could be all different reasons, because (shocking!) women are individuals! But I can tell you what it is- you are a difficult person. Your attitude about life, your entitlement and bitterness. And, as I recall you tend to interview potential mates instead of just having a normal conversation. And- I have to say that at 37 years old I play mini golf with my family because I have two kids under 8 and they enjoy it. Before that, I once went in high school on a date. I can’t really imagine many women my age or above would be that interested in going mini golfing.
Therapy, Robert. You make women uncomfortable and they don’t want to date you. This is the same thing we told you a year or more or whatever it was ago. You are letting the life you want slip by because you’d rather wait to see if the incredibly specific person you’ve dreamed up will fall into your lap as that’s easier than working on yourself. How likely is that to happen?
@robert, you’re missing the entire point of therapy. You don’t collect data, visit a therapist, present your case, leave with a list of things you need to fix so you can appeal to a potential mate. Therapy is self reflective, learning about and working on issues that keep you from living a full life.
You have a mental block that is keeping you from growing as a person. Your inability here to fully grasp what we’re telling you is proof of that.
We spent pages and pages telling you why women don’t owe you an explanation of why they don’t want to date you. Women are not data points. You can’t seem to move past it though. You also can’t seem to move past the unrealistic expectations and ideas you have about life in general.
Frankly, you’re a walking red flag. We’ve listed so many reasons why. And yet that’s still not enough for you.
Serious therapy.
Do you realize that not once in this whole thing have you taken a break from complaining for 5 minutes to say, gosh, I hate to think I’m making women uncomfortable. How can I change that?
Sorry to hear your dad was ill. I hope he is doing better.
I was going to write something similar to @ktfran. The reason I said you need to be willing to acknowledge that there is work to be done is because therapy is inner work that you do for yourself. You don’t go to a therapist to have them definitively tell you (or even speculate) why women don’t want a second date with you, then you go out on dates and not do that thing. Therapists don’t tell you what to do. You’re the one who will be doing the self-reflection and challenging your own beliefs. It takes time and progress can be slow. It took me a year of weekly sessions to feel like I could scale back in frequency, and I was someone who acknowledged that I had some baggage to sort through and work to do on myself. I was ready for it. Truthfully, I don’t know that you are; you still want your dates/the dating scene to bend to how you are no matter how many times the commenters here — many of whom met their partners online and understand what the process is like — tell you it won’t happen. This is why I don’t even know if therapy is worth your time, because your responses make me think you don’t want to do the work.
No one wants to date an angry man who is so bitter at the world that he feels like a victim of the mechanic. Your demeanor and attitude are what put women off. But those are probably attributable to personal issues that we can’t help you with. A therapist can really help you figure out what is holding you back from connecting with other people. I remember you mentioning that as soon as your friends got coupled up, they stopped meeting up with you. You yourself said you haven’t had a relationship of substance with a woman in like 15-20 years. Something about the way you interact with people pushes them away. And you’re not aware of it, and since we don’t actually interact with you, we can’t know what that is. A therapist can help you find out why you feel disadvantaged and angry and can help you find the solutions to those problems and help you see things differently and maybe help you develop some coping skills for your anger.
I am sure I wrote a similar opinion twenty times on your last post and a few on this one. It’s been a long time since you first wrote in. Please go to therapy, Robert. You’re getting nowhere fast by doing nothing to address your issues. You’re in the exact same spot as you were before with some better clothes and dating profiles.
@Copa explained how therapy should be approached much better than I did. Everything she said, 100%. Thanks for going into better detail!
So, I don’t mean to pile on, but maybe give a little perspective from a woman’s POV: like @anonymousse said, I honestly would have zero interest in playing mini golf on a first (or second) date. Why? You can’t really talk to the person and get to know them to see if you want to go out more. That’s what a first date is for. First dates should be meeting for a drink/coffee, informal, relaxed atmosphere, casual conversation, to see if you want to invest more time. Honestly, second dates should be, too. Something like mini golf is best saved for those first weeks/months in a relationship, where you’re still getting to know each other but you want to have some experiences together now.
For example, a couple years ago I once went to an art museum exhibit on a first date – one I had been wanting to go see for weeks. It was a lovely exhibit, and I had been talking to the guy online for weeks because he lived about an hour away, so I figured what’s the harm? I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Lol, nope. I knew within 30 seconds of meeting him in person that we probably weren’t going to go out again. As I’d already committed this time, though, I had to walk around this art exhibit for 2 hours (and then get coffee after!! argh) with this guy in whom I had zero interest. I felt like I owed it to him (which I didn’t, but that’s my own thing). I’ll never do that again. I would much rather have gone alone to the art museum than with a guy I wasn’t interested in.
With the car repair thing – IDK, I mean, that’s why I have savings and, if need be, an emergency credit card or two. It’s just adulthood. Yeah, it sucks, I’ll grant you that, but that’s…life.
“ Something like mini golf is best saved for those first weeks/months in a relationship, where you’re still getting to know each other but you want to have some experiences together now.”
Agree. Robert, in your mind it’s like, mini golf is a fun activity, so any two people can have fun playing mini golf, and women should be willing to do stuff like that with you. But for most women, mini-golf is an activity to do with someone you already know you enjoy being with. That’s what makes it fun, not the activity itself. No woman wants to commit to an hour of mini-golf plus whatever time before and after, with someone they’re not comfortable around. That’s why you meet for a drink, so you can get out of there anytime if it’s not comfortable. And yeah, I know, women should give you lots of time and repeated chances to get comfortable with you, but no, that’s not how it works. If something is off, we’re out. We have to be. And I don’t think you’ve once acknowledged this point.
I’m sorry about your dad, I hope he’s on the mend.
Look, the only thing I can recommend at this point (aside from therapy) is to get involved in groups that have lots of women participants. Women who join things, have interests and may not be available to date. Get to know them. If they think you’re a good guy, they’ll set you up with a friend. And some of those women may be single, and again, if you get to know them, they might be the person you’re looking for.
Maybe join a Jane Austen fan club. Because that is all about two people who just can’t get along and have societal expectations and blah blah blah and then they realize, as they sloooooowwwwlllly, get to know one another, that they are just perfect for one another and that their initial impressions were off.
NEWSFLASH: The Mechanic stuff is something you really need to simply STOP talking about, Robert. You are way, wayyyyyy out to lunch here, dude. In face… You are 100% in the wrong here.
Hey, look, I sympathize. Especially this week!! I have to take my beloved and trusty Mini in on friday for its 100,000 mile service. ?
Ugh… yeah. Yikes… anticipating a hefty bill. But that’s on ME for driving an old vehicle. NOT the mechanic who helps me out by fixing it.
??♂️
Beyond that, it is something you need to stop thinking. I think it is such a big deal for you, because it cuts so sharply against your self-image. It is the clash between seeing yourself as a successful, self-sufficient businessman, and the reality that you lack the financial resources and credit to immediately cover repairs for your work vehicle. A businessman who can’t cover the cost of repair to the equipment which is critical to their business, when that equipment is known to have a future need for repair (as every heavily used business vehicle will), is really living hand-to-mouth with no $ set aside, or credit to tap, to cover readily anticipated business expenses.
I suspect many women see through this and no you are conveying a false image of your business/financial situation.
Robert,
You tend to look at things in a very robotic way. So, let me try to add in where you are going wrong.
You made the “2nd date” formula out to be:
sm + ok = d2
where “sm” equals the chance the person is your “soulmate”
“ok” is the chance you’ll have an “ok” time on a 2nd date
“d2” being the result: whether you should go for date twoSo, if you don’t have any big “spark” for “sm”, but think you’ll likely have an OK time, then d2 works out above 50% and you think you should go again. You don’t understand why she would feel differently given those parameters.
BUT
Here’s where your math is off. For a woman, there’s a hidden variable, “a”
“a” is the chance of being assaulted by your date.(sm + ok) * (1-a) = d2
For YOU, “a” is typically so close to zero, that it just nets out to mean you’re multiplying by one, so your original formula works for you.
For women, “a” is never zero. The exact value of “a” is unknown. So, unless “sm” + “ok” are unusually high, any little bit of “a” brings that value of “d2” down below the acceptable threshold. The “math” just doesn’t favor women continuing on a “meh” date, even though it works out for you. In fact, the more contact, the more entitled the guy typically feels, so a 2nd date can actually raise the value of “a” higher.
Second dates seem fine to you, because there is (practically) never a time where they could be dangerous to you. Your date doesn’t have that advantage.
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Re: mechanic math
Even if your calculation was correct on the amount to budget each week, because you never know when the payout can be, the correct way to do this would be to PRE-FUND the account. You need to put a buffer of cash in place to cover the full year’s expenses, even if that payout is early in the year.
Why do you think insurance companies exist? Most people will pay more into insurance than they get back. The whole reason they do it is that they may need that money NOW and can’t wait until after a lifetime of paying into the system before they can extract the benefits.
