Hello all from Robert
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Insisting on phone calls is high-maintenance /difficult. There is no need for that, and it’s not going to prevent you from finding out you have no physical attraction. It’s just another hoop to jump through and a scheduling issue. If there’s some rapport via messaging, and their pics look good, just meet for one drink. Insisting on dinner is high maintenance too, for a first meet.
It doesn’t matter what tactical advice you give him. If he had some willingness to internalize the convenience and interests of others we wouldn’t be page 473 of advice to him.
Lady E’s point about not clicking with the guy, when she met up with him at the gallery, is very important here. She said she could not say exactly why, but she knew he was not going to be someone she was interested in spending more time with/getting to know.
In the mix of all this meeting and dating and compatible interests etc. is “chemistry” It is something in definable. A person can not always understand WHY they have it with someone, but they know instinctively when it is missing.
You seem to think that everything is definable, logical, practical, sensible etc. But love and compatibility are anything but. They can not be quantified or made to fit a formulaic idea of what a relationship and romance should be in your mind.
I think that spending money ion a fitness coach instead of therapy is telling. ( if you only have money for one right now) You are caught up in external stuff and appearances. You are avoiding the inner work, that if done properly, will transform you into a worthy partner for someone.
While you are working all this out, getting advice etc., I recommend one thing. Stop watching the Hallmark channel or any “typical romance” movies. They are feeding your unrealistic fantasies and leading you further into ideas that will not serve you well in real life.
I want to add to what Allornone was saying about how women are alert for safety threats All. The. Time.
When you mentioned paddle boating for a first date, I had a visceral NOPE reaction. There is absolutely no way I’d get on a boat just the two of us on a first date – or in any other vessel, contained space, or situation where I couldn’t easily get away from the person if they revealed themselves to be creepy or dangerous. Even if there were a bunch of people around. Even if there were cameras.
It doesn’t matter how safe you might think paddle boating – or any other activity or situation is for a women. A woman’s own thoughts and feelings about how safe she is will always trump another person’s opinion of how safe she should feel.
The “intense” assessment, the woman who said you didn’t show interest, the way you feel compelled to argue why a woman should or shouldn’t do or say or feel something, the responses on here that consistently fixate on the trees at the expense of the forest – it’s clear there’s something preventing you from:
– understanding someone else’s point of view
– taking and showing genuine interest in someone as a whole, complex, layered person, – reading and responding appropriately to social cues and situations
– feeling and expressing emotions appropriately (ie the weird anger about mundane things well-adjusted people navigate no problem, like mechanics wanting to be paid for their services. Have you ever gone on rants like that around your weight loss coach? That would certainly explain her comment)The root cause of the above issues is what needs to be addressed in therapy, and I don’t believe dating will get any getter until then.
Robert, a bunch of things makes me ask — has a professional ever told you you’re on the autism spectrum? Because if you are, there are specific strategies you can use to help with the social cues and other things that seem obvious to neurotypical people.
I’m hardly an expert, but I have several extraordinarily smart friends who weren’t diagnosed until they were adults, and they struggled with a lot of the same things you do until they got their diagnosis and were able to approach solutions differently, with some professional help. Help made an enormous difference, but until the autism was identified, no amount of them wanting to solve their social, etc issues worked.
I would add that since he’s around my age, this probably wasn’t something that would have been looked into when he was a kid… they were more focused on ADD and learning disabilities. And I think Robert probably did fairly well in school. Autism or other neurodiversity is something he’d probably have had to explore in adulthood, and he definitely doesn’t seem motivated to do that.
So to be fair to Robert, we don’t know that he’s choosing a weight loss coach over therapy since he has mentioned the cost of therapy was not an issue for him. Physical health is also important. My take at this point is that he doesn’t want therapy because doesn’t really think he’s part of his own problem past anything superficial no matter how much anyone tells him otherwise. I think we’re coming up on two years of Robert’s dating woes and, I mean, come on — it does NOT take two years to find a therapist you mesh with and trust, and stick with it. He thinks we’re wrong and will argue for paragraphs about why mini golf IS fun for everyone or whatever, he thinks his dates are wrong for not bending to how he is, he thinks online dating/apps are trash because he is unsuccessful on them. Since this is how he thinks, putting off or not going to therapy… well, fine. Because therapy only works if you do the work. And if you don’t actually believe there’s anything deeper going on with you, you won’t be able to do the work.
Two years ago, when Robert first posted, he was seeking a woman young enough to have a child with him. As I recall, that was a woman about 15 years younger than him. Given that wish, two years wasted is an eternity.
In all of his recent updates, Robert has not said whether he is now seeking a woman his own age, or just a few years younger. If he’s still thinking 15 (which I guess now would need to be 17) years younger, that may be why he is getting rejected for a second date. Women willing to date much older men can be very selective in the older men they choose to date.
I think he’s said he’s giving all ages a shot now. But yeah, he’s about 48. No woman in her 20s online will date a guy that old unless she’s looking to be a sugar baby, and Robert isn’t that guy. Most women in their 30s will have their preferred age range no higher than 45 as well. Often much lower.
Deaf ears.
I agree he said he has expanded his age range specification, but what age women has he been meeting for first dates? With his difficulties, he really shouldn’t be looking below about 42.
