How To Negotiate Successfully
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Your son sounds like a perfectly normal teenager to me, but I think the food portion/monitoring discussed here is beside the point.
From what you’ve written and how you’ve written in it, I agree with those who are saying that how you seem to treat your son is very problematic. You write about him like he’s a burden, like you’re counting down the days until he’s no longer your problem (as if parenting ends the moment a kid turns 18). Your boyfriend calls off the wedding and says it’s because of your son, yet he still moves in with you and your son. What that should tell you is that blaming your son is not the real reason. He simply does not want to be married to you. So why are you prioritizing him over your son?
I mean it’s not a leap to think the kid’s depression could be because of or exacerbated by your insistence on moving in with a guy who “can’t deal” with him, and driving yourself crazy trying to get the guy to marry you. And if you come across as detached and fed up with him as you do with us… that’s not good.
You come across so cold and unloving. You realize you’re his only parent, right?
If you scream at your son morning and night, I’m not surprised he turns to food for comfort.
You need therapy.
Get an electronic door lock.
So, you’re living with a bad guy who backed out of marriage and counting down the months until you can kick out your son to please this guy, whom you say is a great fuck. That make you an awful parent. It also makes you delusional.
Olay… People are REALLY piling on here, but please. Please. Please, please rethink the way you both treat and view Your son. Honestly? It makes me very sad.
BGM — I don’t think unwarranted. Each update makes her seem worse. By her own description she has 1)moved her son back in with a man who dislikes him so much and finds him so impossible to live with that he broke off the engagement and 2)Is actively counting out the months, 3-1/2 years out to the date she can wash her hands of her son and live happily ever after with her bf.
Surely the boy understands both what the bf thinks of him and how the LW plans to ditch him as soon as he turns 18. It must really suck to be him.
Then we get the triviality of most of their conflicts with the boy and the level of attempted control of his eating. From the stats she gives, he’s a big kid, but he certainly isn’t fat.
Why is she subjecting her son to this man whom, for other reasons of the wedding cancellation, she is ashamed to be seen with in public. This seems a very sad and fucked up living arrangement all around.
As a parent of two, I have to ask why you keep food in your house that the kid is forbidden to eat. If it is so unhealthy that he can’t have any you shouldn’t be eating it either and neither should the boyfriend. If it is okay to have some without destroying your health it should be okay for him to have some without destroying his health. It seems like you have made him a second tier member of the family. You and the boyfriend are top tier with full rights to all food and he is the second rate second tier who isn’t good enough.
If you treat him better he might be more inclined to do things like shut the door. He might be leaving the door wide open to get even with you for the way you treat him. If you treat him with dignity and respect and value him you will be more apt to get the same from him. The one overriding rule we have in our house is that everyone is treated with respect. All other rules must fit with that rule.
It should be obvious to you that your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you. If he didn’t want to live with your son you wouldn’t be living together now. So if it isn’t the son why could he possibly have called off the wedding. He didn’t want to be married or he didn’t want to be married to you. Why live together then? What is he getting out of it? Are you paying most of the bills? Are you paying his mortgage? Is he using you financially and blaming the lack of marriage on your son? What will he blame when your son moves out?
This guy isn’t loyal to you. He won’t be in your life in twenty years. He likely won’t be in your life in ten years. As soon as he finds a woman he wants more who offers good enough benefits, like income, he’ll dump you for her. You are in a holding pattern for the time being.
If you ditch the boyfriend and focus on your son you have a good chance of having him in your life in ten years and in twenty years. I don’t understand why you seem to be so emotionally detached and uninvested in your son. Why do you want to discard him?
If your son has a medical condition that is exacerbated by sugar to the point where he isn’t allowed to eat it, then you shouldn’t keep it in the house. If he were an adult, maybe. But teenagers eat junk food. They don’t have the best self-control. If you KNOW he has issues with controlling himself around it, and keep it in the fridge, knowing he’s going to “steal” it, then you’re setting him up for failure. He probably eats it and feels guilty for eating it because he knows it’s wrong. I am in my 30s and if I had cookie dough or ice cream in my fridge, I’d probably not be able to stop myself from eating it at some point too.
The issue here is that you’re describing some normal teen behavior and some behavior resulting from your son’s mental health, and essentially saying he’s a bad kid for how he behaves. You scream at him multiple times a day, apparently. You can hire all the professionals in the world to work with your son, but if your relationship to him as a parent is that you scream at him and make him feel bad about himself, none of that is going to matter. If you’re a nuclear scientist, then you should be able to pick up a parenting book or two and learn more about how parent a teen, particularly one with mental health issues.
Your original post makes it sound like your top priority is this man who doesn’t want to be with you and you’re blaming your son for it. As a parent, you should be RUNNING away from anybody who says it won’t work out with them and your son. You two are a package deal, no matter how bad you seem to think he is.
Take some time to learn more about parenting your son and once things are under better control, then that would be a good time to date. But I think also some counseling would be in order to help you learn how to look for men who are right for you and not chase after ones who aren’t.
I left home at 17 (college). While at home I was expected to be respectful and responsible on penalty of injury or death. As a scientist I have reasoned that allowing my son to do what he likes: eating whatever, no hygiene, holed up in his room with technology; will not make him better. He isn’t going to magically change and become mature and responsible. It’s hip to cripple our youth by not holding them accountable for anything but my son will not be in my basement after 18 playing games. He will hopefully have gotten a good attorney so he can file for disability and live his life on the public dole.
So you would have been beaten to death for being disrespectful to your caregiver(s), that sounds super healthy and a great thing to pass on to your own child. And respectfully, it doesn’t sound like it’s working very well.
Ohmygoodness you’re the worst! Your son is being a NORMAL teenager…eating crappy, holed up in his room with technology, no hygiene. Both my brothers went through that and guess what they’re totally normal adult men now. Also, nothing you’ve decided is because you’re a “scientist” it’s because you’re a strict mom who doesn’t seem to have compassion or love her son.
Seriously? Go fuck yourself. Sorr Charlie indeed. What a awful, awful subhuman thing you truly are.
