It is low key hilarious that Shemp Howard’s list, which basically boils down to: do at least your fair share of household work and childcare, find out what your partner needs to feel good, don’t automatically expect or pressure your partner into sex, engage in intimacy that feels good (like a massage) without the explicit expectation that it will turn into sex, be a good listener, ensure your partner has time to themselves, and generally do thoughtful things like buy them gifts, is so outrageous and unacceptable that expecting those things is an excuse to Cheat. On. His. Wife.

The funny thing is, LW isn’t doing any of those and is still getting duty sex from his wife because she loves him. That list is the recipe to have a fulfilling and mutual sex life, not duty sex. But that is apparently so much to ask that dudio feels justified to lie, betray, and step out on his partner. My god, the entitlement is staggering.

It’s an advice site, so if you/LW are looking for constructive advice, that’s what people have kindly tried to do—if you want things to be different, plaintive bleating is unlikely to work. If there is a “bait & switch” then Gen X men did it too, seeming to care about women’s bodily autonomy and racial justice just enough to unlock the nymphette. (Username suggests your age is similar to LW). While you’re looking up emotional load/emotional labour, look up transactional analysis too. Your wife does not have the bandwidth to feel sexy after meeting all the demands of knowing what needs to be done in the household (emotional labour), getting masses of it done alone, and getting you to “help” by doing the rest. Your wife needs to be in adult mode (not THAT kind of adult) to feel sexy, yet you sound like you’re in child mode (“it’s not fair”), like a toddler demanding a snack. Your wife might be in parent mode, telling you what you should be doing in the household. But that’s not sexy (unless that’s a specific pre-agreed jam), not for you, and definitely not for her. This is why sharing the grown-up duties of being in an equal partnership of adults has been suggested to you/LW. If your wife wrote in, I might say, leave the dishes & dinner and go in the bedroom—if I thought you wouldn’t turn to her after and say, “what’s for dinner?” Most women have a thudding techno beat of a To-Do list at all times, and find it hard to relax while one spinning plate after another smashes. As to the “wavering” list, a woman is not a paint by numbers workbook. The same thing doesn’t work every time—rather than being irritated, you could think that would be boring. As to the “our creator” bollocks, women do want sex, just not shitty sex with an unsympathetic partner. If it’s all too much bother, as you say, go somewhere else.

Allow me to summarize your response: it’s the man’s fault when the woman doesn’t want sex.

No, it’s the man’s fault when his wife doesn’t want sex with him because all he does is act like a baby, make her life difficult, suck in bed and buy her uncomfortable thongs to get her in the mood when she’s told you she doesn’t like that and it doesn’t turn her on.

It’s called consideration and treating your life partner with love and respect.

I’ve been happily married for 11 years and my husband is awesome in bed. You know why? He knows if he please me, I will please him. It’s called mutual satisfaction and love. No one owes anyone sex.

I rest my case.

The message I’m clearly getting, pulling back all the window dressing, is that post-marital sex is a Quid Pro Quo transaction governed by the woman using subjective, variable, and unilaterally defined criteria that are then binding for both parties. Should the man not meet this subjective and unilaterally defined criteria, then he is therefore a douchebag and, by extension, relegated to being an involuntary celibate.