“I Expect More Sex From My Wife of 15 Years”
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NEWS FLASH: It’s not all women commenting here. At least one commenter, besides yourself, is a heterosexual male. So there’s that.
And OMG. Women do most of the work. They take care most of the mental load. When do they have time to feel sexy and think about sex. If kids are involved, they’re the ones packing lunches. Making appointments. Meal planning. Running errands. And if they’re not a SAHM, working. I find it ironic that you refuse to even consider that’s a reason why women lose interest in sex.
I don’t think you’re in a happy marriage if these are your views on women. Not a mutually happy one anyway.
How old are your kids btw?
Also, weekly sex after 18 years of marriage is not bad at all, like not at all to the point that you’d be immersing yourself in men’s forums about not getting enough sex and researching to this extent. Something is off here.
See, I don’t think we can accurately say what the research referenced in that Psych Today article says because the link to the study doesn’t work. But other references to the study suggest otherwise.
Even though the end result is the same, to me there is a world of difference between “women’s libido drops as stress rises due to differing levels of erotic plasticity” and “women use sex as an economic tool to control men”.
Ok. You (shemp) pulled me back out of the “lurk” mode I’ve been in for the last few years, just because your post needs addressing. I’m going to chime in as another straight guy, so that you know your POV isn’t universal.
Even if I accept a few of your premises, I think your conclusions are still skewed. I’m willing to concede that (on average) men require less mental energy to reach arousal. The entire porn industry actually banks on that fact. But, I don’t agree with your conclusion that just because women aren’t as quick-triggered as men that it means they are “governing sex.”
You take the suggestions that men pick up more of the workload around the home as though it’s a “quid pro quo” trade. Women are not vending machines. You don’t put in folded socks and sex falls out. Women are telling you some of the things that bother them – things that make it hard to relax and get in the mindset where they feel good about themselves and good about having sex. Instead, when you view sex as some sort of economic transaction rather than an activity shared between people, you are firmly positioning sex as just one more demand that’s being placed on them. And you wonder why women don’t feel sexy when the sex is viewed like it’s some sort of obligation like taking the garbage out every week.
And, don’t make the mistake of pulling the “but I do things that are demanded of me too! Do you think I WANT to mow the lawn, I do it because it needs to be done.” Unless you’re cutting the grass with your dick, it’s not even remotely the same thing. Sex isn’t just asking someone to do an activity they may not be hyped about, it’s asking for an activity that requires their body. It’s not something that is remotely fair to expect someone to do if they aren’t currently into it.
You talk about the “switch from pre-marital highly regular sex to highly regulated post-marital Quid Pro Quo sex” as if they’re having less sex AT you. Did you think that maybe young unmarried women are more sexually adventurous (assuming that’s true, just for the sake of argument) because they have fewer demands (of all types) placed on them. When women handle most of the family demands (kids, household management) you can’t expect that they’re in the same mindset as someone who has relatively few demands placed on them. That’s why women are telling you that more help around the house is what would help – not because you’re trading sex for chores, but you’re just trying to create an environment where they can be a little more carefree and where YOU aren’t one more person demanding her time and energy.
You may think it’s not fair that you can have a stressful day and still be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. But don’t make the mistake of thinking that just because most guys need nothing more than the hint of boobs to ramp up, that someone who requires a little more mental energy is doing it in order to control men.
Shemp, you see hetero relationships as a power struggle, or in terms of a power struggle. You’re not perceiving relationships in terms of a partnership between two equals. You don’t seem to see women as the equals of men. You dismissed everything you’re hearing here because you believed it was just a bunch of women’s opinions. You seek out and uphold disgruntled men’s opinions. You see relationships as transactional and unbalanced. I think that’s actually the underlying cause of your problems.
You also respect men’s lived experience but don’t accept or respect women’s lived experience. Your wife feels that.
Prognosti-gator, “unless you’re cutting the grass with your dick” had me laughing so hard my hysterectomy scar hurt. Thanks for trying to get through.
Shemp, So, you’re angry that you’re a member of a group trapped in a social construct in which other groups have all the power? Yet for the vast majority of human history and present-day population, women have been stuck in a social construct NOT of their own making (same for disabled, LGBT+, Black & AAPI people). They’re too busy doing all the work to carve out a life within the limits others imposed, and/or break down the social constructs limiting them, to sit around grousing. The social construct you’re moaning about makes a wife not only (as you believe it should) a source of on-demand intercourse but is also a man’s fast track to family, community, belonging and longer life. if you don’t want to do the work to pull down that social construct, which is housework, emotional labour, personal growth, networking, then just go back to my original a) b) c) options. Prognosti-gator reminded me of a Sylvia Plath quote, “A woman is not a vending machine where you put kindness in and sex falls out”. My own conventional marriage vows did not say lie back and open your legs like clockwork, but they did say “love, honour, and cherish”. If you honoured your marriage vows in the latter regard, you might find that sex did “fall out”. I suspect that you don’t want to leave the nicely organised life you have but you would quite like a bit more sex. At which point, you may need to take on board what the people here have had to say. Or go for option c) the bushes.
