Carolann —

Kids are not special Allen wrenches brought into this world to fix their parents and grandparents or to give these adults a reason for living. You apparently felt that responsibility very keenly, but it is not fair or moral or ethical to pace such an expectation upon a young child. Adults need to fix themselves. There is a reason many step programs for addicts discourage romantic involvements in at least the first year of recovery: the addict wants to get well for themselves. Getting well for another person, lover or child, is not as sustainable a motivation.

Btw, the only hate I see here is coming from OP. The thing she wanted most in this world was for the mother of her granddaughter to take another paternity test — a paternity test which could provide absolutely zero value to this young mother or her daughter and could cost her SS support. Likely after a lot of badgering from son, the mother agrees to the test. Is OP happy? Hell no, she’s hating on this young mother more viciously than in any of her prior posts. She’s aggrieved that she lost time with granddaughter, something that nothing in the world can change, just as this young mother can’t go back in time and choose a more appropriate father for her child.

OP seems to be operating from a ton of grief over the death of son #1 and two tons of guilt about how the sons,whom she raised, turned out. The solutions to her twin problems lies in therapy — grief counseling and counseling about her sense of guilt. Hatred and sense of extreme grievance toward this young mother will do exactly zilch to help OP. She needs to get help for herself (something she shows no inclination to do), because the problem is within her.

Suicidal and criminal drug addicts simply should not be allowed to participate in the raising of children. That is simple common sense. The mother and society have a duty to protect the child from this. The mother did her part. I applaud her for that and think she owes OP nothing. Op would willingly endanger her child to suit her own selfish needs, while harming the mother-daughter relationship.

If OP were to show this whole thread to the mother of her grandchild, that young mother would never allow her into her child’s life. If she were to go to court to force the issue, the judge would laugh her out of court. Her level of hate and venom is that great and her son’s irresponsibility and inappropriateness as a parent is that obvious.

Carolann —
Your persistent belief that allowing criminal addicts to raise a child should be seen as a way to save the lives of the parents reminds me so much of the poster with the hopeless crush on her married boss, who rebutted every suggestion as to why she should just leave the guy alone with her stock phrase “anything can happen” Yes, I suppose almost anything can happen VERY,VERY rarely. Really, you need to forgive yourself for not being able to save your parents. That was never your job as a kid. They failed you and your brother, not the other way around.

Depending on the state (and this is most of them) if the surviving son, no matter what the record, is the father they will give him the child 50 percent of the time until the child is hurt or dead. Which means horrible grandmother will be taking care of this child. I think the mother is pretty sure who the father is. I just hope she is right.