Is he the uncle or father? Please help…advice needed.
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As I think Carolyn has so eloquently proven, having children does not put you on the path of good and righteousness. Children cannot save their parents from crime or drugs or suicide. They can, however, bear witness to those things and suffer the damage because of them. Damage that can last a lifetime. I get the sense tiffinay would have mentioned anything negative about the mother if she had that info. So let’s not make things up. All we know is she is the mother and kept her child out of the lives of this family, that has been plagued with drugs and crime.
Listen OP, Either accept this grandchild as a gift and start building a relationship with her or leave those people alone. You dont know what the father was told about this child. If your sons slept with her and she turns up pregnant I can think of a question or two they should have been asking if they were oh so interested in fatherhood. The resentment you feel at the mother is misplaced. She is not to blame for your son’s suicide or your other son’s life of crime. Get help to see that.
Just to point out LW, if you think your living son might change his life around for the child if she was his daughter…what’s to stop him from doing that when he has a niece? The child of his deceased brother, knowing that if he continues using, like his brother he won’t have a relationship with her?
He doesn’t need a concrete paternity test telling him he’s not the father. Maybe that would devastate him more when he’s at a vulnerable time, whose to say.
Go to grief counseling, support your living son as he goes through this emotional time. Don’t put your need for this to be his child on his shoulders. He’s not equipped to handle that kind of pressure from you.
I actually forced myself to look at a picture of my granddaughter today, and I cried so hard. I’m feeling better at the moment although I feel a tremendous sadness for all that has been lost. I’m very aware that I need to see a grief counselor. My depression over losing my son has consumed me with guilt, anxiety, anger, insomnia, etc. I’ve held onto this grief because I’ve been scared to let these emotions go. It’s like letting go of my son. Does that make any sense? By expressing my grief daily, I’m still holding on to him. He was my first born child and we shared a very close bond. Drugs started consuming his life and he no longer wanted me a part of it.I felt helpless. After he committed suicide, I took all of the blame. I’ve carried this load for years now. I’m now watching my living son go down the same road. It’s beyond devasting, but he is starting to have a new outlook on life since he has found out about his niece. I’ve noticed a change in him and I have hope that he just might grow up. I don’t know too much about the mother but for everyone’s information, she appears to be a good mother. I can see why both of my son’s were attracted to her, she’s a very pretty girl. She’s only got one child and from what I’ve heard… Is completely devoted to being a parent. I don’t want to mess things up so I’m watching what I say to her. I do need to work through my anger towards her. About the Avuncular test, I’m aware that 99 means they are related, but a paternity test is the only way of finding out if he’s the actual father. He’s willing to pay child support IF the test proves that he is.
I think you just need to focus on your relationship with the girl. You are her grandmother. Whatever your son decides to do or not, take yourself out if it. You are too caught up in his relationship with the girl. Truly? Not your business. Just be supportive whatever he decides. Keep your opinion to yourself and be grateful for your grandchild.
The emotions are hard. It’s okay to let them go. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t love him or that you don’t miss him. It means that as you deal with your grief you pass through those emotions and hopefully find some peace. He will always be your firstborn and you will always love him and always wish that things had turned out different but you can accept all of that and still find peace.
Your granddaughter is the good that happened in spite of all of the bad.
Looking at your granddaughter’s picture is a good first step. Baby steps. You know you need grief counseling, so get started on that.
Good news! My son has been talking to the mother and she’s agreed to having a paternity test done! I’m hoping that we can hurry up and get this over with. Hopefully we will be able to find some peace.
It’s only “good news” if your son is prepared to financially support this little girl.
If your living son is proved to be the father, your family had better damn well do the right thing by this girl since you pushed to make sure she won’t receive any benefits as the child of a deceased father.
I don’t see this as good news at all. Every single post is about you and your sons. You don’t seem to give a crap about this little girl beyond what paternity can offer *you*.
Anonymousse –I’d be very surprised if she has contacted a grief counselor. First, she would have said so. Second, she now gets to fire what she has convinced herself is the magic bullet, which will solve her and her son’s problems.
She just isn’t capable at this point of seeing that getting the paternity test is likely to have just about zero impact on her grief or her son’s problems. Son might even get more legal problems when he’s sued for child support, if he is the father. If he isn’t, since LW and he have built up so much hope around him being the dad, he’s likely going to suffer a bit of an emotional crash when he learns that he isn’t the dad.At this point I really hope the dead father is the dad and she cuts this whole family out of this child’s life. They really just do not really care for this child. And they are a nightmare and low life’s
