My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.
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All of which assumes he is wiling to stay with someone who finds him physically unattractive and declines to have sex with him at a reasonable frequency. She expressed exactly how she felt about his body. His response was to say he was going to get a divorce. I think the time for her casually getting him in shape with the intelligent strategy you present was an option a year ago, possibly right up to the point she laid her true feelings out on the table. He’s done. It’s going to take more now than her laying out a joint plan to get him into better shape.
Original poster here, just wanted to clarify a few things:
First off, WOW, some of you are incredibly rude and insensitive! I thought this was supposed to be a place to support and advice? Not to be ripped to shreds based off a post that shares an infinitesimal glimpse into the woes and intricacies of my marriage.
I was attracted to him when we first began dating, but it faded over time as his weight shifted from a heavier muscular man, who went to the gym, with a more “healthy BMI”, to no longer going to the gym and his body changing considerably. His Dr. labeled him severely obese, and diagnosed him as at risk for diabetes at the age of 26. I don’t see how that is fair to his family with the potential of losing his life at an early age and leaving my son and I behind just because he wanted the world to love and accept his unhealthy lifestyle. If this were a problem with alcohol, or smoking, or drugs would I still be called names on this forum?
On top of this, he only prefers thin/skinny women, and is not attracted to overweight women at all, so yes it’s a hypocritical and unfair double standard. He once mentioned he would marry this friend of ours if she lost “100 lbs”. And for your information “juliecatherine”, I’m now 10 whole pounds heavier than when we started dating. So that’s where I rank.
This is way more complicated than you all seem to make it out. Some of you say I’m “grossed out” by him. Not true. Some of you say I mislead him, also not true because I most certainly was attracted to him. But speaking of misdirection, he mislead me in terms of supporting my career choice. But I came to find out later that he just though it was a phase I was going through, and was secretly wishing I wouldn’t pursue that. Talk about a heartbreaker for me. But I didn’t lash out and tell him he lied to me, and tell him I was gonna find someone else who accepted me and loved my career choice. Because you don’t just bail on a marriage like that. It’s a give and take, and if you love someone, you’ll do anything for them. And that includes changing the negative things about yourself, and constantly striving to be the best version of yourself, especially if its within your power to change. Even something like your health and losing weight.
Here’s another fun fact: his mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer exactly 5 days after we got married. So what did we do? We moved in with her to help take care of her. And we lived there for 4 years until she passed away. So don’t pretend like you know the whole story and pass your judgement on me.
I apologize for not addressing the most recent post from the OP, but I just want to quickly take a step back to the second page of this thread. I would like to address an earlier point made by @oracle.
“I do find it interesting that her husband picked out someone of normal weight. Double standard maybe. She says she fell in love with him because of who he was was, the sexual attraction part she did not deem as important as who he was on the inside. Can you say the same thing about him?”
You know what I find interesting? The very first night I met the man I plan to marry, I weighed between 125-130 pounds. I am not sure how tall or how old OP is/was 13 years ago, but I am 5’6” and, at age 26, starving myself to stay that thin. At age 33, my weight normally ranges between 135-145.
On that night seven years ago, my fiancé was chubby by anyone’s standards. Both he and I have struggled with significant weight gain for half of our relationship. When I was at my biggest, almost 50 pounds heavier, he was at his most fit. He looked incredible. Right now, he looks like he’s always looked. He’s a big dude and he will likely always struggle with his weight. Last month, after six years and ten months together, we successfully paid the deposit for our wedding venue. As long as he remains committed to improving his health, I don’t care what he weighs or how he looks.
I wasted five years of my life trying to please a man who would never love me. A man who, after sex, told me I needed to diet because I looked fat. I weighed 140. I starved myself because I so desperately wanted to love me. My fiancé and I fell in love when I was thin and he was fat, and he always told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me when I was fat and he was thin.
I’m glad you find it interesting that “her husband picked out someone of normal weight.” Just like I find it interesting how incredibly vapid and shallow you are. Double standard maybe?
Stop confusing support and advice as agreeing with your awful behavior. Also, what does your mother have to do with you not wanting your husband? Stop trying to gain the sympathy vote. We have none for you. Also, you said even when his weight was the same as when you met you didn’t find him attractive. Might want to stop back talking to make yourself look better as well, you already have enough fade vanity.
Musicmomma —
Here’s the deal: every initial post is going to be an infinitesimal slice of the writer’s relationship, but the writer gets to choose what to include. The reader naturally assumes that the writer chose what was most important and significant to them and casts themselves in as positive a light as possible, given the actual facts. You chose to cast the problem with your husband’s weight in terms of your greatly diminished sexual attraction to him and the boring sex, because of the positions he can’t do. You chose to tell us how thin and fit you are, giving the impression that you think you are out of his league.
Now, you find the responses not in your favor and you want to totally recast the story. The problem wasn’t that you found him too heavy to be attractive and that caused you not to initiate sex and sex to greatly diminish in your marriage. No, what you now tell us was your real concern was that you and your child would likely lose this man you love so much to an early death from diabetes. That’s an entirely different letter — still an obese husband, but totally different reaction and concern on your part. If that was the letter you initially wrote, then you get a different reaction. Interestingly, apart from describing your passive-aggressive withdrawal from sex, you said nothing about anything you did to help your husband control his weight. Essie had some good suggestions on that score.
A lot of new info as you throw the kitchen sink into your latest response. No, your husband isn’t a hypocrite because he is only attracted to thin women, despite being obese himself. We are attracted to whom we are attracted — really, this gets bar husband isn’t in your league and that someone of his weight doesn’t deserve to have a thin lover. Is a 5′-2″ woman who refuses to date men under 6′ a hypocrite? She certainly isn’t in those guys’ league height-wise. She likes what she likes and the 6-footers can choose whether or not to date her. You say your husband pretended to accept your career choice and now scorns it. A problem for sure, but not the one we’re discussing. It is another reason for the two of you to divorce, however.
Which brings us to the crux of your original post: you don’t want to allow your husband to divorce you. That’s not your choice and the more you now bash your husband and cite the other problems with your relationship, the more the obvious answer becomes divorce. Taking your two letters together, it is clear to me that you don’t love the man, don’t find him attractive, don’t want to have sex with him, feel very aggrieved by him, and look down upon him. For religious, sake of the child, your financial dependence, or whatever reason you don’t see all of that as a valid reason for divorce. I think most of us would say it is enough reason to divorce.
Will your husband find another thin woman who is more accepting of his weight? Only time will tell, but he has a right to leave you and search for that other woman who can appreciate him as he is.
“If this were a problem with alcohol, or smoking, or drugs would I still be called names on this forum?”
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When I first met my husband, he drank/smoked/used drugs recreationally a few days a week. He went from recreational use to using alcohol/cigarettes/drugs throughout the week and was at considerable risk for disease and an early death. When we first went out I was attracted to him and we were physically intimate though I never initiated because I was grossed out by the physical impact his lifestyle had on his looks.
Despite this we got engaged and he kicked his habits back to recreational use. He even used less than we first began going out! He looked great at our wedding. But over the last few years after we had a son, his use has crept up. It isn’t as bad as it was before we got married, but I’m not longer attracted to him. Really, I never was attracted to his body, but I could see past looks and fell in love with his face and personality. I never initiate any physical sex anymore. He asked me a few years ago if I was no longer physically attracted to him because of the impact of his lifestyle and I told him yes.
He subsequently emotionally checked out on me, but that was fine, and I could live with it because we have a child. But now he has asked for a divorce. And he blames, me!!
Does it really matter who the bad guy is here? You are upset that he won’t give up habits he has always had to have physical and emotional intimacy with you. You are entitled to be upset, but you do sound as though he should be grateful you are willing to just go through the motions of living with him.
Yes, you have a child together. He may end up dying earlier. But food is different from other optional vices. Its a different journey; it requires functional every day choices. It has to do with direct control of ones own body.
The fact that you chose to be such a kind, supportive wife to him for years indicates you have been a loving a partner to him in many other ways besides physical. And it sounds like you feel he physically checked out on YOU by gaining weight. But I would be surprised if he was choosing to be this overweight. The fact that he lost weight the first time, makes it seem like this has perhaps been a life struggle for him?
Neither of you have to live side-by-side in a checked-out marriage for the rest of your lives just because you made a commitment to each other. I don’t think the sex issue is as trivial as you see it. People have different libido levels. Having an unsatisfactory sex life on top of all the other issues is a lot to take on and it’s hard to imagine the issue resolving itself. How is he supposed to initiate any consensual sex knowing you don’t find him attractive without feeling like he is controlling or coercing, you? Really the only way it seems viable is if he loses a ton of weight but nobody wants to feel like they have to lose weight in order for their partner to want to have sex with them. But if you don’t want to have sex with him because of his eating and exercise habits, I don’t think that is a reflection of you being a bad wife. You can only do what you can do in a marriage.
I’m sorry, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot together and the idea of a divorce is sad and difficult for you. Of course you can continue to express your desire to remain married and troubleshoot your differences, but not it is unlikely to be a successful attempt if both of you think he isn’t a good enough partner for you to have sex with him. Some people could make their peace with that but he doesn’t sound like one of them.
Maybe you would benefit from a support group or some individualized counseling. I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time and I hope you can get some peace of mind for yourself and your son, irrespective of your marriage. I hope things will get better for you no matter what you guys ultimately decide as a couple and as a family.
LW. Get rid of him. Stop this second trying to fix this. He does not really love you and his sense of entitlement is telling. He’s not trying to save this marriage. He’s a user. Give him the divorce he wants and wish him well. There’s another life waiting for you. The sooner the better.
Ya, she is the one with the sense of entitlement. Oracle i hope you don’t get sick or change your appearance in any way or your partner will be leaving you. Taste of your own medicine.
Rudy Tuesday, I am sorry you did not dump the first guy after a few months instead of five years. But what would have been worse would have been five years plus one day. We all learn from our mistakes.
We also all see things through our experences. I married around 30. My then husband was 6’4″ and around 200. I was 5’8″ and had trouble staying around 115 – just had trouble gaining weight and I use to eat a lot. This went on till my 40’s. The first year he gained around 60 pounds. Then the drinking and the verbal nonsense started. I never was making enough money even when I was making more than he was. And it got worse from there. His guessable weight got up to 450. It’s guessable because they have to use a special scale at that weight. This was someone that did not care how unhappy I was and was not even trying to make things better. Now there were many reasons why I should have gotten rid of him before I did. My life was a nightmare. But bottom line did this guy really ever love me, no. Just like the first guy never loved you. Oh, did he lose the weight when he went back to the dating game, oh you bet. Now if that’s makes me shallow I plead guilty.
