My obese husband wants a divorce b/c I don't "love" his body.
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SaneInca —
I recall that we have advised many women whose significant others have low libido to seriously consider divorce, unless they feel they can live the rest of their lives without sex, married to a friend, rather than a lover. Yes, I think a person whose mate is not attracted to him/her should move on from the marriage/relationship. Why sentence oneself to spending the rest of your life in that situation?
And, yes, many people are attracted to a very overweight SO. The husband of LW may or may not find such a woman, but he certainly has a right to try and that certainly isn’t entitlement on his part. Really, it’s a basic psychic survival impulse.
Hah. Funny, Ruby Tuesday. I am planning on spending the last week of August in San Francisco. 🙂
Ron,
That is assuming the chubby hub does not exercise and lose weight to snag a new girlfriend. Otherwise he is a hypocrite who refuses to change for the sake of his wife of a decade but is willing to put in the effort for some stranger.
It is not hypocritical to be attracted to someone who has different physical attributes as you. My Japanese friend likes Caucasian girls. I am fair and blonde and prefer darker haired and skinned men (Italian, Mexican). I am skinny, I prefer chubby. Heck I’ve had many men i dated prefer me with a little more weight. You don’t have to be skinny to like someone skinny or fat to like someone fat or blonde to like someone blonde. You don’t need to change. Chubby will find a woman like myself who cringes as very thin men and would prefer a nice big guy to cuddle with. You are basically saying that someone’s deep rooted physical attraction, which is based on genetics and upbringing isn’t allowed if they don’t match those exact qualities. What kind of sense does that make??
Oh he will when he keeps getting turned down for even dates much less for getting laid. Remember he wants someone thin and I bet also hot and now probably younger. He is now 12 years older, not going to the gym, now morbidly obese, with an a soon to be ex wife with a child. Now there are some men who really like really heavy women. And some women who like big guys, but these are guys that have some muscle and are really nice, kind, helpful guys. This guy is not that. Yes, his attitude is one of entitlement. The LW is going to so much better off, going to find that she can also have a rewarding sex life and find someone helpful. I hope she stops trying to fix something that can not be fixed because this guy is the problem. He thinks he should have to do nothing about his weight when he is morbidly obese to make things better and if you think that this does not extend to other aspects of their lives you are nuts.
Yeah. Morbidly obeses guys with an exwife amd a kid are SO in demand he’ll be beating off super models with a stick…
“He thinks he should have to do nothing about his weight when he is morbidly obese to make things better and if you think that this does not extend to other aspects of their lives you are nuts.”
Yeah! Being fat when EVERYONE knows that fatness is SOOOO GROSSS, is PROOF, that you are a bad and selfish person, in addition to being gross and fat. If fat people weren’t so selfish they wouldn’t inflict their GROSS FATNESS on GOOD THIN PEOPLE.
Oracle —
You don’t have to like or date obese men. Your personal opinion is that overweight is a character flaw signifying lazy, and just not caring enough to make an effort. You say this guy wouldn’t make an effort for his wife. But, we know he did, because LW told us. He lost all of the weight he gained and got down to the weight he was when they began dating and she said she found him attractive at the start. She said she did not find his body attractive after he returned to that weight. She said she wasn’t attracted to his body.
It is very difficult to take off weight and keep it off. Yo-yo is common. Many scientific studies say that our weight often has less to do with what we eat and how much we exercise and more to do with our genetics, our age, our intestinal flora, and now research suggests exposure to certain viruses. We need to stop treating obesity as a character flaw. It is strange that in a society which now regards alcoholism and drug addiction as illnesses rather than volitional character flaws, that we still attach so much freight to obesity, as if being obese equates to being a bad person who doesn’t love their spouse and feels entitled. Most obese people spend most of their lives feeling like shit because of their weight. They truly do grasp that they disgust you and much of our society. This hasn’t been the case in all societies and even all times in Western society. Obesity has been ‘in’. Now it is one of the very few things it is permissible to be bigoted against.
I see LW as being as much to blame for this marriage’s failure as her obese husband. She doesn’t get special treatment for being thin. She gets demerits for passive-aggressively extinguishing sex and intimacy in their marriage by being repulsed by his body so never initiating sex, but also never talking about the issue, even when asked, and never doing anything to help him eat healthier. She gives herself a gold star for going along when the husband initiates sex, but have no doubt he has gotten the message, which is why he initiates less and less. When one partner never initiates, it sends a very strong message of disapproval, disinterest, disdain.
She doesn’t have to be attracted to the obese man she married, but she does have to be honest with her feelings. If she finds the sex boring, she has just as much responsibility to say what she wants, suggest interesting variations. Overweight doesn’t mean sex can only be single position same-old, same-old.
The heart of the controversy expressed in the initial post, before LW totally changed her tale was simple: when do you end a marriage? She believes that the end of sex, attraction, intimacy, basic respect for your partner are not sufficient reasons for divorce. He does.
