bloodymediocrity
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I think reading some Esther Perel might do you good. She’s a clinic sex researcher who has done a lot of studies on infidelity and takes an interesting approach and viewpoint. “The State of Affairs” might be a good start.
On the chance that Kate’s suspicions are correct and this story is just a kind of bizarre way of bringing up more discussion…
Look – if you’re fine with your now ex-girlfriend have sex outside of your relationship, that’s totally fine. There are a lot of resources on how to navigate opening a relationship, including one-sided open relationships.
If you want to start fresh with your ex, you need to lay down clear rules and expectations. And these can be whatever you want to be. You can ask for a don’t-ask-don’t-tell open relationship, and you can just pretend she’s not sleeping with anyone else. You can ask for total transparency and honesty. You can ask for openness yourself.
But no matter what you do here, if you get back with your ex, things are going to be different, and you can expect her to continue having outside sexual relations with or without your consent.
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume this is a really, really weird coincidence. That said, I share some of Kate’s skepticism. Few parents like to talk about their sex lives with their children.
This is between your parents, and it was wrong of your mother to bring you and your sister into the loop on this. You did not need to be burdened with this information.
Was your mom wrong to do this? Maybe. If she knew your father could never tolerate an open relationship, and the only way the two of them could stay otherwise happily married was to have outside relations and she was able to do so 100% discretely and safely, then in my book it’s not the most terrible thing.
But to be clear, this is not what happened with you and your ex-girlfriend. You were not married to your girlfriend for decades. Your girlfriend didn’t cheat on you discretely. You did not die never knowing what she did. Your girlfriend cheated and then blamed you.
So what your mother did here is totally irrelevant.
I wonder if this might be a cultural thing. Here in the midwest kids get dropped off at parties all the time and nobody cares what the parents do, but the parents certainly don’t expect to be entertained. But my Texas friend tells me children’s birthday parties are big affairs and it’s expected the whole family is invited.
I agree. Just let her stay, but you’re not under any obligation to entertain her. Just let her be. Be polite but focus on the things you need to worry about. And if she insists on hanging out with you put her to work.
I’m usually the one around here who is like “yeah, an open relationship could work” but fuck that idea in this situation.
She’s basically told you that it’s your fault she cheated because you aren’t good enough at sex. That’s some psychological jiu-jitsu there turning what she did around on you.
An open relationship can work but it has to be started from a place of honesty. The time to have the “hey, I love you and want to stay in this relationship but need additional sex” conversation is before cheating happen. It requires consenting partners and you didn’t consent from the start.
You deserve better than this. Unless there are serious entanglements like children and property, it doesn’t seem like this is a relationship worth saving.
Wow – that escalated quickly.
“He is a good person I guess, he is just being possessive”
Nothing written here suggests the boyfriend is a good person. Good boyfriends aren’t possessive. Being “protective” is not a good thing in this way.
What’s left to for the LW to understand? He’s made his feeling very well known.
“I don’t want you to pursue your dreams” should be a hard, fast deal-breaker on it’s own. “I don’t want you to pursue your dreams so you can take care of my home” is so much worse than that. You’re wasting your time here, LW.
Hey, maybe let’s not rag on Tina while she’s being transparent and genuinely seeking help. This is progress. It’s just as easy to just not post anything than it is to say something mean.
I think Kate’s advice of telling the parents that you’re sorry you can’t make it and your husband is unwilling to change the date is a great idea. If they’re anything like my parents they’ll A) kick his ass and B) change the date themselves.
All of this is weird at best.
The general “you’re unhappy in this marriage and your husband doesn’t respect you or your desires so why are you here?” advice still stands.
T – it might be worth starting a new thread since this is a separate question.
Short answer as long as I’m here, here is what you say to your boyfriend. “I can’t do the long distance thing anymore. It isn’t working for me.”
Now stop beating yourself up – what you did isn’t a great noble act, but it’s not that bad either. Long-distance relationships are hard, and are harder the younger you are. At 20 you should be actively dating in person, not pining after someone hundreds of miles away.
Your options are
1) Change the marriage into a fully companionate, non-sexual relationship.
Doing so will requite accepting some amount of non-monogamy. Whether that’s just accepting your husband will do some amount of sexting or if it becomes a more fully open relationship is something that needs to be extensively negotiated. I just don’t see a path forward here otherwise. Your husband says he is not attracted to you but seems to have no interest in actually leaving. Even without the physical issues you’re experiencing you would be in the same position on that alone.
2) End the relationship completely.
Are your needs being met in this marriage? Is your husband otherwise good to you? Is this marriage worth saving? There’s not a lot to go on here but what is present isn’t a great look.
