Essie
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I’m a fairly solitary person even when there isn’t a plague going on, so I don’t really mind being at home. My two closest friends live in other states, so I’m used to communicating with them by skype and phone and text.
There are two challenges for me. My mom’s senior community is locked down, and I usually stay there a couple of nights a week. It’s not that I’m worried about her, they’re going to extremes to keep the residents safe and it’s the best place for her to be. I just feel like I should be there, should be helping her, keeping her company, etc. I’ve been in caregiver mode for so long that it’s hard to let go of it.
The other problem is staying active. I’m a couch potato by nature, and I’m going to have to make myself go for walks. It’s too easy for me to spend the entire day on the sofa, since I’m not shopping and running errands.
It sounds like you’ve thought this through carefully. FWIW, I’d be thinking the same way you are about not moving unless there’s more “we” than “me.” Not so much because I’d care about the symbolism or the paperwork, but because I think you’re seeing some hesitation from him about making that kind of commitment that goes beyond wanting to do a fancy proposal.
The thing that does concern me a little is that you’re framing this in terms of having to be engaged/married, as if that’s a goal he must keep moving towards, and you just have to get him past his concerns and over the finish line. If I felt the slightest bit of uncertainty or hesitation from a partner, engagement would be off the table, moving in together would be off the table, I’d tell him to put the ring in a safe-deposit box to take the pressure off, and we’d just keep going as we were until his feelings clarified one way or the other.
I get that marriage is an important goal for you. I’m just saying there’s some danger here of him proposing to please you, or to keep from losing you, when he might not do it without pressure from you.
You are not at fault here. No one should force themselves on someone who’s not consenting, or who’s not able to consent. That’s assault. Good guys don’t assault women. Your “friend” is garbage and you should never have anything to do with him again. There’s no defense for what he did.
Now. That said, you can be blameless for what happened, and still see that your blackout-drunk state made you very vulnerable, and made you unable to defend yourself, and to learn from that and never let yourself be that defenseless again.
It’s possible to go out and have a couple of drinks and have a great time, without getting so drunk that you can’t protect yourself if someone tries to hurt you. You don’t have to get trashed to the point of being incapacitated just because everyone else is. You don’t have to drink a shot because someone bought it for you.
Don’t get caught up in blaming yourself. Use the experience as a lesson in safety.
Nope, not a bitch. No one gets to force their feelings on you.
Consider the friendship ended, because whether it’s a crush or love, there’ll never be any normal interaction between you again. I think @Ele4phant is right, though. It was never really a friendship. He was just being a Nice Guy, thinking you’d owe him a relationship because he was nice to you.
Not everyone is comfortable dealing with a partner’s ex. And that’s OK. It’s OK to realize that the situation’s just not for you. Because this woman is going to be part of your partner’s life in a big way for the rest of his life. I actually see more of my partner’s ex now that his kids are adults, because the kids invite them both (and me) to various family events. She lives with one of the kids, so my partner sees her fairly often. They text occasionally, I have no idea how often, and I don’t care.
Could my boyfriend go back to his ex? I think it’s extremely unlikely, but anything’s possible. Is there anything I could about it? Nope.
While you’re learning to deal with your insecurity, think about this. Any boyfriend, partner, even husband, can leave you. They can fall back in love with an ex, they can fall in love with a coworker, or a woman they saw at Burger King one day. Relationships often end, and all of the phone-monitoring and policing who he talks to won’t prevent it if it’s going to happen.
The trick is to realize that you’ll be sad if it does end, but you’ll be OK. And not spoil your enjoyment of what you have now with obsessive fear of it ending. Or worse, break the relationship yourself because of your insecurity.
There’s being understanding, and then there’s being a fool.
I mostly travel without my boyfriend, because he doesn’t like to travel. He’s fine with it. But I *do* tell him when I’m planning a trip, just because we talk about our lives with each other. It comes up in conversation when we talk about our day. “I booked my hotel for London today, got a really good rate.” That kind of thing.
The LW’s boyfriend went out of his way to *not* tell her about this trip until it was all planned. Not any part of it. He’s been planning this for weeks or months and it never came up. Either he doesn’t feel close enough to you to share the kind of info you’d tell any casual friend, or…
…it’s a vacation with his new girlfriend. All the other nonsense about making peace with his past is just cover for that. He’s meeting up with his online side-chick to have a lovely romantic holiday in the city you always wanted to visit.
If you’re OK with that, well, that’s your decision.
Now I’m even more confused. You’re financially independent. Yet you can’t make it without this man in your life? Why? What are you getting from this relationship?
What does “negotiate” mean in this situation? That you beg until he agrees to marry you out of pity or exhaustion? How is that a good thing? Do you really think that’s an example you should be setting for your son?
This situation is a giant mess, and you need to get out of it and get your son out of it. Move out and get a place for just the two of you. Forget this guy. He doesn’t want to marry you, and if he can’t handle the situation with your son, he’s going to leave anyway. It’s just a matter of time.
It’s time to get your head out of your ass and focus on your son. He needs your full attention.
OMG, I’ve had it.
Your son is NOT a good person. A good person, when finding that they had hurt their partner while drunk, WOULD STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. Your son is a grown man who chooses to drink. The “crowd” he’s running with doesn’t make him drink. It doesn’t make him hit women. Those are choices that HE makes. Good men don’t hurt people no matter what their friends are like. His choices, his responsibility. He’s an asshole, and a dangerous one, and finding out that he’s a father isn’t going to miraculously cure him. It’ll just give him another target for his abuse. A defenseless child, this time.
And your making excuses for his godawful behavior is, frankly, nauseating.
I’ll say it one more time, and then I’m done here. Get help.
If you truly do want to help your family, the very best thing you can do is get yourself into therapy, so you can find some peace and perspective.
Because the way you’re going about things now is going to make life harder for everyone. Your grandchild, your grandchild’s mother, your surviving son, and you.
You’re using this situation with your grandchild as a way to either hide from your grief or try to fix it, I don’t know which. And you can’t. It won’t work. It won’t bring your deceased son back, and it won’t make your surviving son into a good man. And it won’t help you stop hurting.
Please. Step away from this situation and get some help.
Gotta be the same lady. All the details are the same.
We all want to look out for our friends, but this really isn’t your business. She’s an adult. She’s made a decision to date this guy. If it’s not working, she’ll stop dating him and start dating someone else.
