Tui
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I think we need more information about things. Has communication changed since you got married? Even if he’s not good at talking about his feelings or listening to yours, do you communicate in other ways and enjoy each others company? He will have a different communication style to your first husband and may compare them. Can you give us any examples?
Sometimes anxiety means you can need constant reassurance and that can be a lot for a partner. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but I sometimes feel the minute I make a plan that will reassure a family menber they then come up with something else to ruminate on.
What do you want from him?
Are you paying rent to live there, or is your helping your mum around the house, working the land and paying for the house upkeep in lieu of this? Your brother might think you have the better part of the deal if you’ve had a secure place to live for 8+ years. He sounds like an awful person but your mum likely loves him as much as you, even if he’s neglectful to her and cruel to you.
Unfortunately it’s really up to your mum what she does with her assets, but I agree with the others that keeping a record of what is spent on the house is important and may change how she views things. Otherwise she needs to make it clear in the will that the house is to be sold and the money split between you. It’s not fair for her to leave you to negotiate with an abusive sibling.
Contribute as much spare cash as you can to emergency savings in case circumstances change.
One thought, if your brother is not left half of the property, would he make life difficult for you and your daughter? Sometimes it’s healthier to walk away with what is left and be able to cut him out of your lives for good when your mum passes.
This is not a friendship. He has sexually assaulted you multiple times and has groomed you into thinking he’s an ok guy who pushes the boundaries occasionally. He’s disgusting. There is no way this will end well and you need to cut contact and block him, no explanation from you needed. Don’t try and have another conversation or hear his side, as he will just try and manipulate you further.
It may be that she feels you wouldn’t respect her boundaries again the future and maybe in the cold light of day feels she was coerced into having sex with you, while drunk. It’s not a nice feeling to wake up and regret what’s happened. It sounds like that’s not what you were intending, but her feelings about this are valid. Getting offended by our responses on here and disregarding people’s experiences on the other side of this is disappointing, and makes me think you don’t actually want to be told why she responded the way she has.
I may be projecting here, but if things aren’t going right in my life and I’m feeling frustrated in general, I end up focusing on the actions of other people and seeing injustices everywhere. I understand being upset with the caterer as he sounds like awful and confronting him wasn’t the best idea, but it’s the reaction when you were called out on it that is the problem.
Do you enjoy being a big part of church life and your training, or is it something you feel that you should be doing as you’ve come this far and are grateful for the support they gave you and your family? I imagine you have to give up a lot and it can be all encompassing, with church life becoming very insular. Do you have any outlets that are not church related or has that become your whole life?
It sounds as if you want to have the respect you think you deserve, but being in a leadership role means making mistakes and being humble and self aware enough to accept that and take the feedback. You’re there to serve God and your church, not to have everyone praise you. The fact you want to know who reported you is the most disturbing aspect, as it gives the impression you would go and confront them to tell them why they’re wrong. You can’t control how people see you and think about you so just let it go.
I don’t think any of us think you’re a bad person, but it would be really helpful to have some kind of accountability and therapy away from the church environment.
Even without the matter of him asking for all that money upfront, uprooting everything for just 6 months before going back to live with your respective parents is nuts. Moving house is expensive and there’s always hidden costs you may not have budgeted for.
Get your own red velvet cake and only eat that, it’s his fault if the cake he buys is wasted. Does he ignore your wishes in other parts of your life too, or is it just this one (weird) thing?
Every kids party I’ve been to was a drop off party, except for under 5s, and I’ve never heard that term before. Must be an American thing?
A couple of hours is all kids need for a birthday party so she may be happier leaving her child for a period of time with a known start and end. The last time she was over seemed awkward for both of you so definitely give her jobs to do if she’s hanging about. Sometimes I want to be helpful at other peoples houses ( I’m super socially awkward so would much rather be prepping food or washing up) but it’s not always clear how.
Thank you PurpleSter for saying what I was feeling. This is usually such a supportive place with a bit of tough love, but LW is quite right to feel bullied by some comments. I work with heaps of people that have made questionable decisions, but criticising when they ask for help or advice doesn’t solve anything and attacking her mental health is low.
Yeah your friends shouldn’t have a dog if they can’t care for it and they should be compensating you if you are using your own petrol money and spare time. Also, it’s harder to relax and enjoy your weekend if you’re not in your own place. Definitely pull back from what you’re doing. Also try and be more social. Say yes to meals out even if you don’t fancy the menu, you can eat before or after what you want. I’ve been to plenty of things I wouldn’t choose normally because I want to be spend time with people.
sorry all, didn’t mean to post twice!
If I was your partner, I’d be most upset you didn’t wait a few minutes for me to get out of the bathroom then say you’d like the dog to sleep elsewhere. It sounds like you did it to punish both of them because you were feeling annoyed.
The relationship doesn’t sound functional for either of you, so please don’t get pregnant as I think you’d use that as a weapon try and to bully him into giving up the dog. Hormones can make you more irritable and less able to deal with stress, but they’re no excuse to treat people badly and then be upset they choose to avoid you.
