Boyfriend and stripclubs
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to add on to Northern Star, and if you’re not ok with it and it’s that important to you, then maybe this guy is not the guy for you.
Like you said, there are plenty of guys out there who would not be ok/interested in strip clubs.
It doesn’t even sound like there’s room for compromise here. Is there? Are you ok with him going to strip clubs for bachelor parties, as long as he doesn’t get lapdances for example? Do you even trust him at this point to stick to such a compromise?
It was a red flag when I read that you were confused about the type of guy he is upon finding out about the lapdances (your first post). To me, it said that this was an important thing for you and that this was a major breach of trust, which is hard to come back from.
I don’t know, I feel like cowards, especially ones who are cowardly because they don’t like they’re partner’s (non-abusive) reaction, are deal-breakers for me.
but cowards, who aren’t cowardly because they don’t like their partner’s (non-abusive) reaction. Aren’t deal-breakers for you? So basically just a regular coward you are good with?
I get it, I mean feel like cheaters are deal-breakers for me, but only if they don’t like my non-abusive reaction. But if they love my reaction, well that’s a different story. like “Debbie, I can’t believe you cheated on me, that hurts so much” and Debbie’s like “haha, that is such a sweet reaction, I love that you care so much that I cheated on you babe” and I’m like “Debs, you’re a fucking keeper, don’t know where I would be without you”
I definitely would be pissed about the lie, and totally get the LW. I have had the strip club discussion and took the “I don’t particularly like strip clubs and lap dances are weird” with a grain of salt. I don’t think I got a 100% honest answer on his thoughts on strippers, but I also didn’t get a boldfaced lie to avoid an argument. Unless the person legit is going to hit you, blaming their hypothetical reaction as a reason why you lied is bullshit.
As far as moving past it, I did attend a strip club with my boyfriend and actually found it enlightening to see how he behaves. Will he be on best behavior for you? Probably, but it still made me feel better about his occasional attendance for special events. Although he’s been told lap dances are verboten. Your catch in laying out rules is that trust is a little shaky now, and that part just takes time.
When I was dating my now-husband, I caught him once or twice in lies of omission. I realized that when we argued I would totally over-react and it was ugly. So he would withhold information to keep me from having that reaction. Makes perfect sense. I think this might be what is happening in your relationship – he is avoiding a bad reaction by telling what he thinks are harmless lies.
I had a conversation with my partner where I acknowledged I was overly emotional, and asked him for the chance to show my restraint if he were more honest with me about the not so great stuff. It took trust on both our parts to open up this way, and restraint on my part to LISTEN before reacting when he did bring home some unpleasant information. We’re married 10+ years and it is still a work in progress. Now he tells me everything, but I still have to keep my commitment to hear him out completely and not lose my shit.
Many of the activities in champagne rooms are what most people would consider cheating..like eating food out of a dancer’s…I’ll let y’all imagine the rest.
It’s okay that she doesn’t want him to go. It’s okay that she is upset that he lied multiple times to her about his actions and views. I’m kinda of surprise at all the people jumping up to defend a man who has lied to her this many times. It’s amazing how far y’all reach to blame her for being upset that he lied to her so many god times! She isn’t overreacting. And this isn’t something women just HAVE to accept about men.
I also think this guy is not the right one if he lies to you over and over to “spare your feelings.” He deceived you, he claimed to be a feminist who’d never do that and made you believe untruths about him. He’s a liar.
Oh please! REALLY? I’ve been to fat more str8 bachelor parties than I ever would have wanted. Some have been pretty wild. But even I’ve never witnessed dudes gleefully eating snacks (what exactly is served? pretzels? cheese sticks?) out of assorted vaginas. We are going straight up urban legends in here now.
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Meadowphoenix — you HATE cowards and yet STILL somehow worship / glorify Phylicia Rashad? Then, come again, her loud support of Bill Cosby WAS kinda brave, I guess. Stupid? Sure. Fucked up? You bet! But I guess it took a lot of guts or — at the very least a desperate need for more residuals…I have been to a fair number of strip clubs, but not the champagne room. I couldn’t say what does or doesn’t happen in there. But! My original husband, in the early 2000’s, was the manager of his little brother’s band, and they would go on tour in a bus. He said there was this one strip club in like a Quonset hut in upstate NY where the strippers would “get you off in your pants.” He said his brother and some other guys did it but he didn’t. I believed him at the time because he was crazy honest about everything even when it made him look really bad, but who really knows or cares.
Well, masturbation through that pants is infinitely more plausible than chips and dip out of a hooha. Or a vajayjay splay veggie tray.
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Nice to see yet ANOTHER Fan of Shady Pines in here. Rather unexpected, too…I totally see it being like for_cutie’s scenario. What incentive is there to tell the truth when the LW reacts like this to things that have already happened and can’t be changed?
So I would say all of the crazy stuff you hear about is when someone hires a stripper for a personal party. I’ve seen some crazy things going on at those home parties, and things have gotten eaten out of the special spot, but it was all candy related. At the actual strip clubs, I know of some guys that go with just sweat pants, or those adidas swish pants on with no underwear so they can get off while getting a lap dance.
Yeah, that’s what these guys would wear to this classy joint upstate. Sweatpants with no undies.
