There are several things to which I’d like to ultimately respond, but I’d like to focus on something Kate said, that went deep into my head, that explains a few things, going back even 2 decades the more I think about them. I’ve always understood the concepts, but a few things got deep into my spirit.

Starting with…

There are undefinable things like mannerisms, their smell, their eyes, that you can only pick up on in person, and if the chemistry and attraction aren’t there – if we can’t imagine making out with them – it’s not going to work.

I’ll start with a definition, just so we’re on the same page. The word that comes to mind is “lust” to describe this. Now, if my word is wrong, I will gladly rewrite this, changing the one word, but when I use the word “lust” in this discussion, this is what I am referring to.

As opposed to “love”. which, to me, is far deeper, and takes time. Love, to me, includes things like being able to feel each other’s emotions, being able to count on each other, knowing what the other is thinking…basically, really knowing each other on a deep, emotional, spiritual level, where the 2 hearts start to connect.

As opposed, again, to “infatuation”, which I think of as the initial euphoria, the intrusive thinking, the butterflies in the stomach, the intrigue…

Just to clarify how I am using the words in this discussion.

I seem to feel love and lust the opposite of what Kate described. Serious desires to get physical in the way Kate described happen for me only after I start feeling love. Love has to come first for me.

That would explain why, with the exception of my 20 month ex, I had trouble getting past the 2-3 month mark. Once I have dated someone enough to start to feel love for the other person, things come to an end, and the physical never happens, beyond some hand holding and maybe some light cuddling.

Things happened faster with my ex. She did express some minor frustration at times, but at the same time was liking going slow. She was used to things going faster physically, but was liking the idea of us really getting to know each other and building a good foundation (her words). We kissed for the first time about a month after meeting in person, though it was about our 9th or 10th date — and I thought that was quick, but we were deeply in love with each other by that point, so it didn’t seem forced.

Now I think I get the vibe I am giving off that is causing the women to not feel a “connection” on the first date. We are looking for two different kinds of connections. I see why I am getting frustrated. What I think of as a connection has zero to do with physical; while it can happen on the first date or two, usually averages about 3 or 4 or maybe 5 dates to happen. Then, love (maybe), and if love, then the lust.

I do not feel what Kate described on the first date.

Now, I feel as though I should clarify, if I see a random pretty woman on the street, let’s say she’s wearing a pretty dress or something…yes, I do feel “that”…I just wanted to clarify…I think of that as just hormones. Though if we were to talk for a few minutes and we get along well, then, yes, infatuation can happen for me within that short conversation.

Common ground, such as enjoyment of common things, is my initial attraction to a woman, and overrides anything that is “eye candy”. I will give up a lot inf looks to gain a little bit in common interests without even thinking about it, as, like I said, that is what I am attracted to initially.

I know a lot of you pointed to things like playing with hair, and the arms around each other, as surface things. And they are, in a sense, but those are part of the “lust” that I feel after I start to feel “love”. It is the feeling of love that I very much miss, and because I associate those gestures with a point at which we are in love, or at least beginning to fall in love, that’s why I feel empty when I see them around me.

I guess this is why I feel the way I do about phone calls. I focus on the interaction itself, and how we can carry on a conversation. To me, if I can carry on a conversation with the other person, then we can have a good time on a date, and that is how it plays out for me most of the time. I now get what you are saying about the phone call not being able to reveal what you are looking for. For me, though, I need to know that I can carry on a conversation before meeting for the first time. It doesn’t even have to be long. It’s not something I’m doing to “push the other person around” or to “put up hoops”, but I have to get a sense as to how we can interact conversationally before meeting. There has been very little difference, in that regard, between a phone call and a meet, but sometimes a big difference between messaging and a phone call.

Now, the question becomes, how do I bridge this communication gap, in messaging presumably. But one thing at a time.