Not sure if to break up or continue the relationship
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Hi ladies, a quick update: I broke up with my boyfriend 3 weeks ago. Even though I choose this I feel awful I feel like someone broke up with me. Since the break up he’s tried to contact and here and there he texts me trying to be a friend. For what was going to be our 1 year and 4 month anniversary, he made a video of pictures of him and I and a video of him explaining how he feels. Since the video he stopped reaching out to me. I’ve been having an awful time. I’m sad at work and immediately my co workers notice, I haven’t be able to tell anyone because I’m afraid I’ll burst out in tears! Right now at this moment all I want to do is cry. Even though I feel that he may have taken advantage of my genorosity, I really saw a future of ya together. His mom called me and so did his best friend they both said how much he loves me even though they don’t know what happened between us or so I think. I’d what to do. I’m about to be 28 in a week and a half and I have no strength to even go through that day. I feel like this is not how I imagined my life. First I was with someone for over 10 years and that led to nothing, and that hurt so much now I broke it off with this guy. Idk if if it’s me or what’s going on, I don’t think I’m a horrible person. I actually just want to hide for my birthday. I don’t want to be around anyone. I feel very depressed. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you! <3
Hi Dancing Dream. Break ups are hard( no one enjoys it but everyone has to go through them). A relationship is in some ways like a habit or addiction. Sometimes it’s a good one, sometimes it’s an indifferent one and sometimes it’s a bad one. You’ve got a routine that you do together, but now it’s got to change as you’re no longer together. We also create a fantasy around the person who we’re with for a future. But the reality of it, has to take the front seat.
Now you start to grieve (period you’re in right now), then you start to fill your time with new and different things and keep busy( take up a dance class etc, go to a couple of meetup.com groups, plan a holiday, get together with friends, take an art/language class etc, pamper yourself) . Also, sorry, but to move on please block his number and all ways of communication/social media( & his family as it’s not good or helpful that they call you either). Of course you feel bad, it’s part of change but there a good points to this. You’re free to do whatever you want. He didn’t treat you with respect or love and he wasn’t going change. Please find a friend to confide in & help you wallow for a month, and then start doing stuff. You’re free now and better for it. It takes a minimum of 6 months or more to get over a relationship. There will come a day when you only think of him once and then a week when you only think of his name in passing etc, soon he won’t be a factor. You weren’t happy with him, and you made decision to break up. That takes strength and obviously a part of you knew that this wasn’t right, so despite the sadness you should also be proud of yourself for being able to leave.
I’m sure on DW there other break up advice & more of us may pitch in, but perhaps also take a look at Dear Dana’s archive on a break up too.
Also, for your birthday, you don’t need to do a lot of partying but perhaps book a massage or one thing or two you enjoy to make it a nice & relaxing time? I say get a friend/relative to come with you. Make one enjoyable thing happen for yourself.
Break ups are hard, but every time you start to miss him think about that ONE time he paid for lunch and complained about it. He was using you. He said he didn’t even want to talk eggs/Easter with you because that’s for serious relationships.
It’s hard to be alone, but how much time have you spent on your own?
I think if you have not had much time being single (which your ten year relationship from 18-28 and two others in there somewhere leads me to believe) you should try to be single for a little while and discover what brings you happiness. Work on your own life, and what you want (other than a partner) and I believe that will help you determine a lot more quickly whether a guy you date is worth your time, actually brings happiness and joy into your life, or is maybe nice but also a bit of a sleazy grifter taking advantage of your time and generosity.It took you over a year for you to to see and speak up that he never paid for a meal for you-because you didn’t want to seem like a gold digger, and only one jerk comment mentioning that it’s whorish for women to expect a man to pay ever (which is bs) caught your attention. Think about that. You paid for all the dates, other than the few times you went Dutch. And you were worried about seeming like a gold digger. And meanwhile, your mom KNEW you were paying for everything. How did she know that? Talk to your mom.
You deserve better, and you can do better but you have to power through the loneliness to find a good partner. Stop settling for guys who aren’t right for you.
Good luck.
What Heatherly said is very very good advice. Breakups suck but they’re the only way to end a relationship that wasn’t working. Your relationship was not working for YOU. I’m not surprised he’s trying to get you back, you’re his goddamn sugar mamma! He’s losing a low-to-no effort relationship that got him free meals. Who would want that to end? If he sincerely gave a shit about you he would have listened and changed when you brought the issues to his attention. Instead he gaslighted you and tried to keep you around with bullshit promises of a nice date. I’m betting that date never happened. When you start questioning your decision focus on the reality of him not what you hoped for. The reality was nothing to cling to. Take some time to grieve, pamper yourself on your birthday, and consider some therapy if you’re still feeling depressed a few weeks from now. It wouldn’t hurt to talk over your relationship patterns with a professional. Something is driving you towards men who take advantage of your generosity…I think it’s worth investing in some sessions to find out how to move away from that. Chin up, it gets better.
You need to go no contact, including with his friends and family. Block, block, block. Delete numbers and email addresses. If someone gets through anyway tell them you need time alone to heal and if/when you are ready, you will reach out to them. Ignore all VMs, emails, texts, letters, skywriting. You desperately need a clean break and space to breathe while you sort through all your feelings.
Once all the pressure and guilt trips and noise have stopped, you will be able to hear your own thoughts and feelings. You’ll remember how un-generous he was, not just with money but with affection and respect. You’ll begin to feel like you just lost about 170 lbs (or however much he weighs). You’ll definitely have more disposable income to spend on yourself. Use some of it for therapy if you are still feeling depressed.
And remember, this too shall pass.
You’re mourning the death of a fantasy – the guy you once thought he was, the guy you hoped he’d be. You found out over time that he wasn’t that guy. And that’s a pretty common relationship pattern. Everything’s new and shiny at first, it all seems perfect, and then slowly, reality comes creeping in and you start seeing facets of their personality that aren’t so shiny and perfect.
@Juliecatharine’s right – when you feel sad, think about the REAL him. The one you got to know and realized wasn’t at all the right guy for you. This relationship was never going to work, because he wasn’t the person you thought he was.@DancingDream if you were on a relationship for ten years and then this relationship of over a year is over, honey, you have been given a precious gift. You are now in control of your whole life, you can do anything you want. After being attached to a person for 11 years, it’s time for you to focus on yourself. Go out and eat whatever the fuck you want without wondering if he’s going to pay, or why you have to pay all the time. Now it’s the time for yourself, the time for you to do anything you want.
Just a word of caution, he may or may not still try to do some grand gesture to get you back, after which he’ll 100% revert to his old ways. The grand gesture could be a sweet gift, the promise of a romantic trip, even talk of getting engaged. If that happens, recognize it for what it is, just a tactic. He won’t really change.
Perspective, please. You’re 28. That’s a veritable baby. You have, what, two relationships under your belt? So maybe you need to meet a few more guys and learn more about what you want and need. So what? Pick yourself up pretty soon and make a dating profile. Take care of yourself, do things you want to do, and enjoy being single.
Essie is right. You are mourning the death of a dream. What could have been… not what actually was. Because what did you actually lose? Someone happy to use you and who was just along for the ride. Someone who didn’t see a future with you. Sad for him the gravy train is over. I’m sure he is upset by it.
And the best friend and mom calling? Not cute. Not sweet. Manipulative. You were not serious enough to discuss Easter but he has his people call you? Over a relationship of a year? That alone should make you run.
Eh, GOOD LUCK, LW. It’s still hilarious to me how this guy was branded a total user when he instead just acted like many women do about picking up the check…
