bloodymediocrity

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Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 124 total)
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  • September 11, 2020 at 10:02 pm #962092

    Welcome back, AON! Glad to hear you’re on the rising side of things. That sounds like a very difficult set of weeks and months.

    August 17, 2020 at 11:28 pm #961087

    @BGM I feel you. It’s very hard to imagine 4 or more years of this. I definitely feel a big urge to “not live on this planet anymore”. I’m fine – I’m not going to do anything. But damn, I hate being alive right now.

    The only comfort I feel sometimes is I look at people who have left just absolutely devastated regions and lives and built themselves up. I think “if they can get past that, I should be able to handle this.”

    My biggest mental health trap has always been “big evil thinking”. When I look at the immense cruelty that occurs on such a large level, I get stuck in a really negative thought loop that takes me to really, really dark places. I have to be careful to not indulge it too much and everything I’ve learned in therapy has really been put to the test this year.

    July 13, 2020 at 5:04 pm #897351

    @MissMJ I feel you so hard. I’ve gone through a lot of swings over this whole nonsense and I’m definitely feeling like it’s a low point now. My state has been ok at managing it, but it doesn’t seem like schools are ready to go back in session.

    And our President is so. Fucking. Stupid. He’s still on about lowering testing to make our numbers look better. And 38% of people are still like “yeah, that’s my guy.”

    If he wins again (by electoral college shenanigans or simply cheating), how are we going to survive this? Our national trajectory will be what? We just keep letting people die for another 4 years? Eventually they will stop paying for testing and treating it and now not only will it possibly be death sentence, it will also bankrupt anyone who contracts it who isn’t already a millionaire.

    I’m just so out of hope for the future.

    July 2, 2020 at 9:35 pm #891571

    I don’t disagree. I don’t think there’s a lot of hope here, but the reality is that she’s not going to leave him. So if she’s not going to leave him, she needs to take steps to make this a less miserable situation, which means stop rehashing this same fight.

    I’m offering suggestions as an alternative, but let me be clear, I do think divorce is the right choice. But that’s easy for me to say from the comfort of my apartment from (probably) hundreds of miles away.

    I do think there’s many other options that are better then having this same fight over and over. Divorce is a better option. Accepting this woman’s place in her marriage and functionally having an open relationship is a better option. Having an affair of her own is a better option. Skipping town and starting a new life in the circus and never speaking to him again is a better option.

    The path with the most misery is going to be trying to get her husband to budge on this issue and rehashing and reliving this same fight over and over and over.

    July 2, 2020 at 3:47 pm #891554

    Listen – I’m going to defy the common opinion here and say you don’t HAVE to leave him. If you’re truly happy 70% of the time and think you can get to a place where you’re happier, you can work towards that.

    To get there, you have to accept the boundaries your husband is putting down. It doesn’t matter how “normal” it is or conventional. It doesn’t matter if it’s fair. Your husband is requiring a gigantic space in his life for this other woman. Maybe he’s sleeping with her, maybe not. But if you’re going to continue this marriage, then you need to accept that this is how it is going to be.

    That means it’s time to stop posting here and asking “is this normal?” “Is this ok?”. It doesn’t matter at this point what is normal or common. Your marriage is now outside of “common” so what other people are doing is totally irrelevant. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s no blanket template for what a marriage looks like.

    To get there, you need more hobbies. You need to keep your mind busy and more fulfilled when he’s off with her.

    Even if your marriage may be sexually monogamous (and frankly, that’s a big maybe), you might want to read some literature on open marriages and polyamory to learn coping strategies to deal with your jealousy, and you should encourage your husband to do the same.

    You also need to gird yourself to the possibility that they are in fact sleeping together and how you will respond if/when you find out. Is it truly a dealbreaker at this point if they are?

    July 1, 2020 at 4:28 pm #891447

    For the record, any normal friendship I think it’s fine to see each other two days in a row.

    July 1, 2020 at 4:28 pm #891445

    It really depends on what you’re doing. Are you planning on leaving him? Because if your not, you just need to get yourself to a place of acceptance with everything he does with her. If you can really, truly believe that he’s not having an affair with her, you need to just start accepting when he makes plans with her.

    At this point, what he does is totally irrelevant. The only thing that should matter at this point is what you’re doing. Are you okay with the status quo? If not, what will get you to be ok with it? And if that answer is nothing, then it’s divorce lawyer time.

    June 30, 2020 at 4:51 pm #891347

    I think engaging him on this issue at this point is a losing battle for you. You need to look at the bigger picture and his pattern of behavior. This isn’t because he is “friends with a woman”, this is because he has been continually dismissive of your feelings through the entire relationship. Arguing with him at this point isn’t going to be effective.

    There’s nothing left to litigate, or argue, or discuss. He’s drawn his line, and it’s your turn to draw yours.

    June 30, 2020 at 4:02 pm #891339

    Tina – I will give you the information you are looking for on how other relationships work as far as this is concerned because I think it may actually be helpful to you.

    Some details for context: my wife and I have been together for 7 years now. We have partial custody of my daughter who is with us around 50% of the time. I’m pretty introverted and don’t make friends quickly. She’s very extroverted and can’t leave the house without making a new friends (pretend we’re not in a pandemic for the moment).

    Neither of us are jealous at all. We’ve discussed even the possibility of some day opening our relationship down the line, but it’s not something we’ve done. I have never cheated on her, and to the best of my knowledge she has not cheated on me.

    I’m primarily attracted to women. One of my best friends is my co-worker we’ll just call V, who is straight and married. We don’t talk often outside of work, but what we do talk about is often serious. I have intimate knowledge of deeply personal things like her family relationships and the state of her marriage, and she has similar knowledge about me. We don’t really hang out outside of work but will occasionally message each other, but rarely more than once a week.

    My wife is pansexual and extroverted, so I’m only going to look at her friendships with men and women who are attracted to women. For many years she had a very close friend who is a straight male. They would text frequently (daily at minimum) and talk on the phone for 1 to 2 hours every week. A few times a year she would visit him and spend the night (he lived a couple hours away). I was ok with this. They eventually had a falling out and they aren’t friends anymore, but it has nothing to do with me.

    She’s also very close friends with a woman who is a lesbian in her late 20s (about 9 years younger than us.). They text each other all-day every-day. They bond creatively over their writing, share cute animal pictures, and pre-pandemic would meet up maybe once a month for the majority of the day. I will admit to being a little bit jealous when they first became friends but it’s become clear that over time they have more of a mentor-mentee bond and I’m over it.

    My wife has another friend who is a lesbian that she has a very deep connection with. They have worked together regularly on public works and planned classes together. They have comforted each other through multiple heartbreaks over the years. This friend officiated our wedding and my wife was the maid-of-honor at hers.

    She also has a friend whose sexual orientation I’m not totally sure on, but on the chance that she’s bi or pan we’ll include her. They text regularly every day. They bond over health issues and joke around a lot. They have a once-a-week phone-call that lasts 3 to 4 hours. They’ve really only gotten to know each other post-pandemic so they don’t see each other in person often currently, but I suspect that will change.

    I could got on with more examples, but my point is, there’s a lot of deep, close personal friendships between people who could technically partner up, but we don’t get jealous of the time we spend with others of potential partners or connection that the other is spending. If there was a couple where “I’m going to hang out with X person every Friday forever” would be us. And it’s still a totally unreasonable request.

    June 29, 2020 at 7:02 pm #891237

    Tina – why do you keep doing this? You keep retelling the same story with slightly different details as a different alias. You omit the big picture problems and present it as this “one little area” expecting a different result. It’s like asking for advice on how to paint the exterior of the house when you know damn well the house is built on a sink-hole.

    I’m genuinely trying to understand what it is you’re hoping for. Do you want us to tell you “no, he’s right, this is fine”? Are you seeking validation that your concerns are valid? I really want to understand and help you break this cycle you are stuck in.

    June 29, 2020 at 1:50 pm #891213

    Is this Tina again?

    May 15, 2020 at 7:49 pm #886070

    Hey @Copa, are you running InDesign CS5 by any chance? I have to use InDesign CS5 for my work for comically stupid reasons, and I think I have similar issues to what you’re describing.

Viewing 12 posts - 97 through 108 (of 124 total)