MissD

Howdywiley is right.

Those of you going on about how you work AND clean are being assholes just like LWs boyfriend. So what if YOU work harder than everyone else? Good for you. Would you like a medal? Your work load is not the issue here.

The LW CANNOT work because of visa issues. So she’s taken on the role of doing the housework which is fair. She even says she’s fine with it!

And by the way, cleaning up after two people is not nothing. I do it too, and every single day I have a list of chores I need to complete to keep the house in order. Just because I’m not leaving the house to go to an office doesn’t mean I’m sitting on my ass doing nothing. I’m contributing the way I can right now and my contribution is still valuable.

But that does NOT mean I don’t have the right to ask my partner for help, which is what you’re all implying when you mock the LW. Seriously, do you honestly believe that I have no right to ever ask my partner to take out the garbage? That I have no right to ask him to fill up the cat’s water bowl if he’s standing next to it? I’m not his maid, we are partners and partners do what they can to help each other get the job done.

If she’s never allowed to ask for anything because he works a day job, that’s just score keeping. The problem here is that LWs partner is looking down on her, is resenting her and is keeping a score sheet. He basically feels that his contribution is the only one that’s valuable, and no matter how much she does around the house it’ll never add up to what he does, therefore she has zero right to ever ask anything of him.

THAT is the problem. They’ve been living together a month and they’re already angry at each other. That is a serious compatibility problem.

They need to have a serious talk about expectations around the house, he needs a serious fucking attitude adjustment. Even if he is frustrated that she’s asked him to take the dog out while he’s in a rush to leave the house, he shouldn’t be getting angry at her and refusing to do anything to get back at her. If talking this out doesn’t fix things, they should break up.

P.S. @NorthernStar it cost me over $4,000 to bring my cats with me to the UK, so I can absolutely understand that she’s paying off vet bills. Bringing your animal into another country is complicated and expensive. I am fortunate enough that I had the money to cover those costs and I am lucky enough to have a partner who understands what it cost me to move here.

Giving up everything to move to a new country is not easy. That in itself is a HUGE contribution and sacrifice, one that I made for my partner because he wanted to stay in the UK. We both knew going into this that I wouldn’t be able to work here, we both talked about how we would work things out and my partner is grateful everyday for my contributions.

The fact that this LW moved to a new country, likely gave up a job and friends and family and paid a lot of money to bring her pet, and after only month her boyfriend is angry at her and resenting her? That’s not ok.

I’m in a similar situation as you in that I moved to another country to live with my boyfriend. I cannot work here because I don’t have a visa (although I still do a bit of contract consulting remotely).

My boyfriend works full time and pays the bills. He promised to support me financially while I get my online consulting business up and running. So yes, while he’s at work I do most of the cleaning, I do the laundry, etc.

If I ask my boyfriend to take the garbage out, he says “Sure, no problem, I’ll take it on my way out.” If I ask my boyfriend to sort his laundry so I know what to wash and what to hang, he does it. When I tell him that I’ve washed his socks and his underwear and hung up his clean shirts he says “Thank you so much, you do so much around the house, I know I need to be better at helping with the cleaning.”

Allllll that being said…. I can 100% guarantee you that your boyfriend is being an absolute douchebag. His attitude toward you is disgusting. He’s using the fact that he works as a way to control you and look down on you. This is NOT ok.

You need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend about how he treats you. It’s fine if you want to do 95% of the housework because he brings in the money, but it’s NOT fine for him to be condescending and dismissive and refuse to help you when you ask. So you’d better tell him to adjust his attitude real quick.

If things don’t get better ASAP you’d better break up with this asshole.

Agree with others who suggested inviting your friends out instead of to your house. Say “Hey Guys, it’s my birthday! Join me at X bar for cocktails and appies! See you at 9PM!” and whoever wants to come, will come.

If your supposedly close friends can’t come out for 2 hours to have a drink with you on your birthday at a nice bar/lounge, they’re assholes.

Of course it’s nice to accommodate people with kids, but in this case it’s not like you’re asking them to get a babysitter every Friday. You’re asking them to come out and celebrate your birthday with you at a nice bar/lounge once in an entire year.

My best friend has 3 kids and most of her friends have a million kids as well. When it’s her birthday, all her friends show up at whatever restaurant she’s chosen that year and leave their kids at home.

The line between cultural appropriation and cultural exchange is always going to be blurred.

Appropriate occurs when a style leads to racist generalizations or stereotypes where it originated, but is deemed as high-fashion, cool or funny when the privileged take it for themselves.

Appropriation occurs when the appropriator is not aware of the deep significance of the culture that they are partaking in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1KJRRSB_XA

So I guess a good example would be how Kylie Jenner is seen as high fashion or edgy for wearing her hair in “boxer braids” and people love her for it. But if a black person (where the style originated) wears their hair in braids, they are seen as a hood, a gangster or as breaking the dress code.

You were having an inappropriate emotional affair with this man. Key word: inappropriate. Perhaps his wife found out, or perhaps he realized that things had gotten out of hand and that he needed to cut things off in order to focus on his marriage (which he should).

Forget about this guy and focus on your own marriage, as JD said. I’m sure you do love your husband, as you say, but clearly there’s something lacking in your own marriage for you to be so caught up in this emotional affair.

@kate you never know!

@copa I don’t really believe in living together as an experiment to “see how things go” – I believe in living together because it is our intention to get married and this is the first step toward that. If I wasn’t already certain that this is the person I want to marry, I would not be moving.

That being said, to each their own.