There’s a concept that’s been stuck in my head, from E’s example:

We had sent long messages back and forth on a dating app for probably 2-3 weeks

coupled with

I can’t pinpoint it either; I just knew within 30seconds-a minute that we weren’t going to vibe. We just didn’t have that connection in person

Those two ideas are so diametrically opposed, that it is a little hard to grasp. It’s basically as if the only possible way that can happen is if the guy put up a false front in messaging, and was his real self upon meeting — yet E is not making any such suggestion.

For me, when something interests me about a woman in a profile, and we start messaging with that as common ground, unless something big about us is so different, or it turns out that that is the only thing we have in common, for example, then that thing, or those things, are always there, unless the other person has outright misrepresented herself.

The way E presented her example, the thing that interested her about the guy initially suddenly became totally irrelevant. That makes no sense to me.

If I may digress in a way, I remember a few times at speed dating events, I remember one woman who, haunted house were her about the #1 thing she enjoyed doing any time (like me with the Christmas lights). It is my #2 thing, behind Christmas lights. If one finds haunted houses (or any other thing, just using haunted houses as this specific example) fun, then they are fun for that person. Period. A few things people have suggested on here might indicate that a given interest is fun with some people and terrible with other people. Like me with Christmas lights, I enjoy Christmas lights, no matter what, regardless of the person. If another person enjoys something, even mildly, that I am avidly interested in, it just makes sense to me to do that thing with that other person and get to know them more.

One example the other way, is Kate with the rowing. She loves her husband dearly, but there is no way she could ever be interested in rowing herself. No matter what. Period.

It just seems only logical to me that, if a lifelong relationship can take place with no problem with the #1 interest completely missing, then two people can have some single fun dates around a similar major interest. That’s not to say that the two people are automatically the right match, but I’m not thinking like that certainly on the first few dates.

I’m not going to include quotes, but several have said about things not being definable, and that seems to be part of why I have trouble grasping the above concept. I remember I always was bored in computer classes when we had to make flowcharts when most of the class struggled, because my mind is wired to be logical and concrete. I had to take art appreciation and philosophy as required electives, and those were my hardest two classes, because they were completely abstract. I can grasp the existence of the concept, but finding the hidden meaning behind art is something I will never get.

If I may digress, there is a little parklet in my area, that has a large piece of art, that I cannot describe except, to me, it looks like someone dumped a load of steel beams there, and I find it an eyesore, to be honest. Yet, there is meaning behind it. It’s a concept that needs to be explored in therapy, obviously, The lack of a “connection” despite common interests — checking off the checkboxes, basically — is really too abstract a concept for me to grasp.

Another thing several of you mentioned, I’m not trying to “win” in our exchanges. The personality test I took years ago also indicated that I am also an inquisitor, by nature. I am not trying to “argue”, but when see things a certain way — I can be convinced, but I evaluate it first, and I just ask so that I can be convinced that I am wrong, if I am. I just use independent judgement, on anything I am learning.

So in that circumstance, we hadn’t talked on the phone

I know how some of you feel about the phone, but it just seems to me that E’s real meet was exponentially higher maintenance than a phone call. A phone call would have gotten her out of a lousy time, then she could have gone to the art exhibit herself and had the good time she said she would have had.

The last date I went on was also without a phone call, and I decided that would be the last time without a phone call. I wasted time, and $$$, for no purpose whatsoever. Since every woman is different, I gave her the option, and she said she would prefer the first date with an actual dinner, rather than a Starbucks first meet. I actually agreed, so that’s what we did. I basically gave her my time and $$$, and got nothing for it, not even a simple explanation as to what changed.

I know what you all are going to say about that, so please don’t repeat it, but the waste of time and money and emotions is why I am so disgusted right now.

On the weight loss coach, that is already paid for. I have struggled with a sugar addiction for years, even decades, and that’s the only way I’ve been able to get my weight off. I’m not going to lie, I like my improved appearance as a result of the weight loss, but my motivation is health. When my weight’s down my energy level skyrockets, and I’m able to do more in life.

The “intense” comment actually referred to my focus on losing weight. It made me a good client in the program, as I was super motivated to lose the weight, but perhaps not everyone was up for that in other areas of life.

I’m learning how much responsibility there is in caregiving. My father is not doing well, not sure how long he will be around, either. Covid is making things harder, as I spend a lot of time on the phone. I’ve had a stretch of not much happening with the car, so therapy is not a problem, but I never know when something might happen with my father.

LisForLeslie:

(“But why don’t you like this thing that I like? Here are 20 reasons why everyone should like this thing that I like”) or (“Your preference for thing B over thing A is wrong and now I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong.”)

I have never, ever, not ever, thought someone was wrong for not enjoying an interest of mine, or for liking something that I have no interest in. I’m not sure how I came across like i did. And because I don’t feel that way, I’ve never accused anyone of being wrong, either.

LisForLeslie:

For example, many many many years ago I worked in construction. I didn’t do any labor, but I put on my hardhat and went to a plywood office in the middle of a very large, very visible construction site in the middle of DC blocks from the White House. When socializing in DC the first (and very annoying) question anyone asks is “what do you do?”. I can not tell you how many times I’d tell people that I, a very young woman, work in construction and there was no follow up. Nothing. My answer was “wrong”. Specifically it was wrong because I could not be used as an asset (I know a person who does…) nor could not be used as a measuring stick (Well I work at…).

If that was me, I would not have thought less of you for that, just thought I’d mention. My first thought may have been, do you build homes…just my first image of construction, since my father was a homebuilder. Then you would have told me what you did, presumably, and the conversation would have went from there.

Just to share how I would have done that conversation.

Kate:

Insisting on phone calls is high-maintenance /difficult. There is no need for that, and it’s not going to prevent you from finding out you have no physical attraction

This leads me to a question that might seem overly basic, but are you saying the “no connection” means no physical attraction? The word “physical” was unexpected, so it made me wonder.

I’m not saying that physical attraction isn’t a consideration for me, but I’d rather date a woman who is average, or even below average, in looks, over one who is drop dead gorgeous with whom I have little in common. Looks are nice, but I have never proceeded with someone just because she was “beautiful” without having some common ground.

Peggy:

Lady E’s point about not clicking with the guy, when she met up with him at the gallery, is very important here. She said she could not say exactly why, but she knew he was not going to be someone she was interested in spending more time with/getting to know

I should have brought this up earlier, but it just goes back to what I said, my mind sees that there are only two ways this could have happened, either something was not asked before meeting to find this out up front, or the guy misrepresented himself. That’s all I’m able to see. It’s the abstract stuff like this that my mind just isn’t wired for, not only in relationships but in other areas of life, too.

I remember one friend who had a similar interest in photography as me, but for different reasons. I take photographs to capture memories, a photograph of a festival, or a light display I like, etc., but he was more into the art of it, like a reflection of something off a puddle. I photograph that item to remember that item.

Kate:

I think he’s said he’s giving all ages a shot now

I am. I am still open to younger, but I am open to older, too. I would still like to have kids, but I realized from being on here, that my reality might be, no kids with no life partner because I am focused only on someone who wants kids, or no kids with a life partner because I have opened up to someone who doesn’t want kids.

The women with whom I went on my last date, by the way, is 8 months older than me. I’ve also messaged with women as high as mid 50s.

Junie:

Robert, have you ever worked more traditional jobs

I did, briefly, for one summer when I was 17. My father got me in at his construction company. They didn’t exactly need another full time laborer, but did need an extra hand, so i did a lot of the lighter duty work. I started my landscaping business 2 years after that, and that worked out well for me.

I’ll be honest, my original plan was to get a “job”, but I never figured out what was holding me back in my mind until my mid 30s when I took the personality test. Owning my own business, or at least being in executive level management, is where I belonged. When I see someone in a “traditional” job, I see a company who just needs a robot.

Now, before someone gets the wrong idea, I am not calling individual employees robots. It’s just the idea that corporate offices already have things worked out and needs someone else to do the work. It just doesn’t work for me if I cannot do something that needs to be done, that I am capable of doing, but I don’t only because I am not permitted. Just do it and forget the melodrama is how I work.

Cleopatra_30 said something in another thread, that I hope we can talk about:

I do my best to try and find some common ground with them, enough to feel confident that when I meet in person I have some good topics and ideas to chat about

That’s how I think. I used to do that before I came here, but learned form you on here that it was a turnoff because it is “interviewing”. Now, she’s suggesting that someone else do it.

???????????????????

TigerPaw357, on same above thread

Speaking for myself, I like phone chats in getting to learn about a potential date

I’ll let that comment stand on its own. Just thought it’d be relevant here.